Things I wasn't prepared for (this post contains baby related stuff)

Now see, I warned you and you clicked anyway- thus absolving me from any liability for your thoughts while reading this entry. It's 3 am and I'm 17 weeks pregnant and I'm wide awake after my routing mid-night bathroom trip. Usually, I can go back to sleep, but I can't tonight so I'm using the opportunity to hide under the covers and start a blog entry while Patrick snoozes away. Because this is my life now? Hiding the glow of my phone like a little refugee and knowing full well that I'm going to be exhausted tomorrow.

I've been thinking about all the crazy things you hear about in pregnancy and decided to write a blog (Emily style, of course) about my experience thus far. Some of these things I had a good background for, some of which I thought I'd be ready for and wasn't, and some that I swear I'd never heard before and want to document so other people don't feel as weird as I did. Some of you will be mildly entertained because you've been waiting for this, so...you're welcome.

I'm already through my first trimester, so I'm not really experiencing much of this anymore, and let me caveat that I have been extraordinarily lucky in the fact that I haven't had terrible morning sickness or hugged a toilet throughout my first trimester, so it's really the equivalent of #firstworldproblems over here... Let me also disclose that I know some women REALLY struggle to even get pregnant in the first place, and I am not meaning to minimize the experience. This post is really more for entertainment value than as a "statement" of any kind that is meant to generalize my thoughts on pregnancy, so cut me some slack.

Morning sickness
TOTAL misnomer for me. I wasn't sick, per se- but I was nauseated pretty much on cue every evening. This was mostly attributed to my not accommodating the whole "eat around the clock" thing that they tell you to do. This isn't a joke. You should probably do this. Before, I could sit at my desk all day and look up and it be 5PM and say to myself, "Well, shoot. I didn't eat anything all day. Oh well- I'm ok, not dying." Hahah- not so much during my first trimester. I was like Chris Farley in that SNL Gap Girls skit.

"LAY OFF ME, I'M STARVING!"

 If I didn't eat, I paid for it- in food aversions and nausea. After I'd pass a certain point of hunger, I was so indecisive about what I wanted to eat that I literally couldn't decide. Patrick was so sweet and brought home a bag of Whole Foods ready to eat options one night and I didn't just want the warm kale salad out of my face- I can't think about it to this day. It still makes me sick. Even now, I have a hard time planning meals (it is getting easier) because I can't think of things. ME! I can't think of food. And for a person who has a close, personal relationship with their inner fat kid, not being able to decide what sounded good and then having to choke stuff down so I didn't feel sick was a real bummer. Let's just say our practically Paleo diet took a nose dive in the last few weeks because I wanted everything that was bad for you. Cheese, carbs, fat...give it to me. I went on a work trip to Phoenix for 4 days and ate all the things. And I felt amazing. Then I came home and got sick.

Holy hooters, Batman
So I'm still not showing. If you didn't know I was pregnant- the only clue would be my circus sized chest. I'm sure there are women all over the world who get excited about pregnancy because their little B cups look fantastic when they get bigger. Congratulations, you tiny little freaks of nature. I bet you look adorable. When you start out with a huge chest, you end up feeling like that lady who crushes cans and watermelons with her boobs.

And for my next trick...

I have such empathy for  poor Jessica Simpson, and how the WWTDD blog relentlessly commented on how big her knockers got and how veiny they were. The struggle is real, people. There's nothing good about it. It's uncomfortable, makes clothing a daily struggle, and makes all your selfies look like you gained 30 lbs. I figured I'd see some changes, but nothing prepared me for what happened.

Speaking of...whose body is this?
I figured out why women used to have babies so young. It wasn't because of social norms...it was a biological instinct to not have to deal with being old AND being pregnant. You're not nearly as elastic as you were at 22 by 30. And you've been past the acne thing for years, so when your skin looks like a pubescent 14 yr old, it's frustrating. And what the heck is this weight gain about? If I'm going to gain no matter what I eat, pass the cookies, friend. I didn't think it was possible to feel this fat. I haven't bought anything new besides a maxi skirt, so I know that some of this is in my head, and some of it is just bloating because of this lovely (TMI) constipation thing that no one elaborates on. I feel like a sausage. I feel like I look like a sausage. And there's no damn bump for me to excuse it with! Just puffiness. I'm terrified to think about how I'm going to feel afterward. Maybe I'll take up running. Hahahaahahahaha....sorry, I just laughed so hard at myself for that suggestion. I'm waterlogged and still dehydrated. I'm fat, but not showing. Being pregnant blows. Being pregnant during swimsuit season is just downright depressing. Thanks for posting all your lake pics, friends. If you need me, I'll just be in the shade in my mu mu, hiding my cellulite, which is now on my arms. MY ARMS.

Exhaustion/laziness?
My sisters and friends have told me in the past that there is no tired like pregnant tired. I have to apologize to you all, because I really, truly thought you were just being lazy and resting on your pregnancy excuse- or were too stressed with other things. Nope. I'm a believer now. I would get so tired that one night I actually cried because I couldn't go to sleep. You know that feeling that you get when you're past tired and you have trouble going to sleep? That's where I was at. Crying. Because I was tired. I would get weird bursts of motivation and energy and tell myself, "Oh man...when I get home today, I'm going to go for a walk! YAY! Stay active!" Yeah, and then I got home...and all said motivation was gone. The only thing I was motivated to do was to crawl in my bed and go to sleep. I like to cook. I couldn't find the motivation to do that. I like to go places. Nope. Not that either. Now that I actually feel like a human again, I can appreciate that it was temporary, but for a while, I thought I might become one of those people that they find affixed to their couch.

I will neither confirm, nor deny that I may or may not have taken a 15 min nap at my desk. Drool and all.

Pregnancy brain is a real thing
Again, I'll apologize to my friends and family because I thought you were making this up too. No, no. It's real. If you know me, you know I have an uncanny memory. Whether it's 80s TV theme songs or the musical I was a mouse in when I was in 2nd grade, I have it on lock! I rarely forget details or space on things. Until now. It's like I have a brain cloud. Kudos to you if you recognize that reference. I would literally forget things I asked 2 seconds prior. At work. At home. With my friends. It's not that I wasn't aware- it's that I would totally forget almost immediately, or lose it in the vast fog that somehow has overtaken what used to be a very sharp mind. Thanks, baby! Now I'll never be a trivia champion! I really wanted this to not be real. I wanted to believe that people were blaming their mistakes on it just to do it. I've told the same story over and over to Patrick...or forgot plans that I made, or walked around with an item for 10 minutes trying to remember what I was doing with it. How is this possible? I'm mega-mind! WTF.

Brain cloud...brain cloud...you think they'd come up with something better than a brain cloud!

Paranoia is the cause of most google searches
Oh y'all. If you could see some of the things I Googled. Like I said above, the second I stopped "feeling" pregnant (AKA, no more sickness, etc.) I was convinced something was wrong. But I was also convinced I was carting around a dead baby. Apparently, this is not uncommon, and weird paranoia is something that most first time moms feel.

I totally am embarrassed of the things I've googled. And most of it is really dark. My first sono was just a little bean and between that and the YMCA sono (where the baby was flailing it's arms everywhere), I was convinced that I was going to have a Downs baby, a baby with no limbs, a miscarriage, and about a million other silly things. I still have paranoid thoughts, all the time. The one good thing about Googling this though, is that there are several baby community groups that debunk all the stupid fears. Unlike WebMD, the more you google crazy stuff, the more you are assured that you are not the only weirdo who asks these things.

People are really judgy pants
I am aware that growing a tiny human is a miracle. I am aware that a lot of women are very emotional about it. But a lot of women are emotional about rom-coms and puppies too. Look, it's not that I'm not excited about having a baby. It's just that most days, I feel more utilitarian than all warm and fuzzy about the process. I will probably not be one of those women who cries when I first feel the baby move. In fact, I'll probably grab Patrick and say...whoa dude...feel this. WEIRD! That's not to say that I'm not going to be excited to find out what I'm having or feel ready when it's time. I'm just not a blubbering mess about this "miracle of life" that I'm producing. No, in fact some days I'm like...DAMN YOU BABY- stop doing handstand push ups in there! That doesn't make me a monster. Maybe the hormones will make me all emotional later. But for now, just quit making me feel like a psychopath because I'm not swooning over things.
I am also not fussing over baby stuff or already picturing my baby shower. I don't even really like baby-themed things. The thought of a shower with characters or a nursery filled with baby Einstein colored crap everywhere makes me shudder. And when you TELL people this, they make you feel like you're dead inside. I am very well aware (thanks, Angela) that I will probably get a child who wants to drown their room in some cartoon character and it will be amazing payback for me. But so what if I'd rather envision the shopping spree I'm going to have to take to the Container Store to hide all the paraphernalia than the ruffles or footballs that are going to inevitably creep their way through my beautiful decor.

                     

If you can't see how the brightly colored mess would make my head pop off, then you just don't know me!

I'm a hair trigger of things I find annoying. From gender reveals to Pinterest suggestions on how to celebrate things, I'm almost entirely into function mode and can't be bothered with fluff. I would equate myself to a stroller right now. Sure, I'm carrying a baby. But I'm not oohing and ahhing. I'm functional. Where are the bins and compartments? 

Which brings me to....

Your poor baby daddy/partner

I always thought it was weird that nurses ask you if you have a supportive partner at home. I thought...well even if you didn't, you can do it. Pregnant women do it alone all the time. I realized that what they meant to say was, "Do you have a supportive partner at home? Someone who is contractually obligated to stay with your crazy ass when you start spouting off about how you feel like a heifer and will love you even when they are doing the dishes for the 10th time this week because they feel bad for how pathetic you look on the couch? No seriously...you're going to annoy the crap out of them...are you good? Here's a support number just in case. No it's not for you. It's for him." And while he's not contractually obligated yet, he's definitely been a trooper.

Patrick has been great. From day 1 when I was FREAKING OUT like an 18 yr old who just "ruined their life" to constantly tell him to not stare at my fat, he's been so patient and such a great help and support to me. And I'm not kidding when I say I throw a ton of crazy his way. I wish he blogged so he could tell you about how nuts I have been and the crazy scenarios I have asked him to plan for or hypothetical situations I've posed at him. Or the fact that I make him handle all the raw meat. So he's been doing a TON of cooking. Because I can't even think about it. I had some ground beef that we were going to prepare and when I put it into a bowl, I almost threw up. I can think about seeing the meat right now and gag a little. It's very intense! He's seen it, and God love him- he is always willing to help me cut chicken or handle the meats. He could just as easily tell me to quit being a baby and just do it. He's amazing. I wasn't thinking I would be this difficult, but I totally live up to that stereotype. Sorry, P.

I'm glad to be into my second trimester where I'm no longer in a weird state of feeling like a creature and not a person. I hear this is the golden sweet spot. With any luck...I'll feel like doing this:

                                 

Is this bitch planking? PLANKING? Ok, hold on, we have a badass on our hands.