I'm hard to love

I found myself acting crazy yesterday. Like SUPER crazy. I'm not even sure where this stuff comes from sometimes and when I realize I'm acting like a doofus I get really disgusted with myself. Let me just outline where this warped little mind goes...

Step 1: Activate Crazy

It started Monday night when the boof (yes, I'm stealing Beyonce's word for boyfriend...don't judge...just go with it) told me he met one of his neighbors because they kept running into each other all day. As soon as he said, "I ran into HER all day"...my mind went psycho. I imagine the absolute worst- some half-dressed Giselle look alike in tiny workout shorts playfully bantering with him...bing bang boom, he's going to leave me. I mean seriously. What. The. Hell. Is. Wrong. With. Me? I have to explain that I have the BEST man in my life. I don't really worry about him cheating on me or being dishonest. I really don't- except when the crazy is talking. I'm not sure if it comes from years of poor men choices, or deep set insecurity that drives me to think so mentally, but I can't even imagine how annoying that must be. Long aside short, I didn't say anything about it, but it was festering in my mind.

Step 2: Invent Transgression

Tuesday I decide that I'd really like to have a date night. You know, something completely normal that I will escalate into a full out assault on him... Looks something like this:

Me: Can we have a date night?

J: Sure! 

Me: Soon? When can we?

J: Why not Wednesday?

Me: Because you have to woooork, and you can never see me during the week...(seriously, folks- bringing out the cray cray in full force)

J: Fine, panda jerk- reneg on my offer...

Me: You can just take your neighbor you met! (Oh- there it is...that festering turd of a thought I'd been saving!)

J: And there it is... (You see, he's come to expect this level of insanity and insecurity from me).

Me: What?! Who me? (As if I don't know I'm certifiable.)

That was really the end of the discussion at that point. I deflected in some way and he was sweet and gracious and glazed over my psycho rantings. Meanwhile in my mind, I'm waiting for him to decide this so isn't worth it and break up with me. 

Later that night, I get the SWEETEST FB invite...

Step 3: Guilt/Remorse

I don't know how I managed to find someone who is willing to look past my psychotic outbursts, but this guy just melts me. I want to be better than I am, not only because he deserves it- but because I'm tired of being so fracking cray. 

Step 4: Fix it, Stupid

I am so hypercritical and insecure. I have GOT to do something about this or I'm going to end up alone with 17 cats. Stifle the crazy, ditch the insecurity, and enjoy the fact that I have a good, honest, decent person in my life who cares about me and wants to make me happy. 

I'm a lucky girl, even though I make it a complete 3 ring circus to navigate my ups and downs. I've never trusted anyone the way I trust him (geez, I might as well be doodling his name in my Lisa Frank notebook...) and I know he won't ever hurt me, so I need to let go of what has happened to me in the past and whatever crazy things I can invent in my head. 

My friend Marcus used to say, "Never out-crazy your hotness. Guys will date a crazy girl, as long as she is super hot." Well, I've been out-crazying my hotness since about 1996...and the older I get, the harder it's going to be to keep up with the cray...and there's really not enough Botox for that. Ergo, I need to dial back the crazy.

Try and stay out of your head...I have seen you invent the damndest things there...

Highlight Reel Vs. Reality

I feel the need to distinguish between reality and what people who aren't around me for long periods of time experience. I like to call this the highlight reel. It's all the best bits, the best wit, the best of pretty much all I have to give which only lasts a short while and isn't really indicative of my personality as a whole. It really is important to distinguish between the two.

Highlight reel: You're hilarious to follow on Facebook! You say the funniest stuff! You should write a blog!

Reality: I am a funny person.  However, I also think about what I'm going to post in hopes that it's entertaining to other people. Because people don't really care about what I had for breakfast or what I think about a new show- not that I wouldn't ever post boring stuff like that...because I totally do. And even this blog is completely stuck in mundane most days. I'm only mildly entertaining at best.

Highlight reel: You and your friends are always doing the most fun stuff! You must party a lot.

Reality: I have great friends and we do hang out and go have fun. We also are photo whores- so it looks like we are usually way more crazy/social than we actually are. Aside from kickball and the occasional weekend plan, I'm really boring. I sit at home with my boyfriend on the weekend catching up on my DVR and cooking. Frealz.

Highlight reel: You seem really laid back and have a great outlook on things. You're such a positive person.

Reality: No one likes to be around an Eeyore or an extremely confrontational person. I'm a middle child. I act like a middle child. I avoid conflict as much as possible and try to focus on positive things when I can. Having said that, you guys would be surprised at what a Debbie Downer I can be. I mope like whoa. Not having a permanent job is bumming me out right now. Sometimes I get really upset about my impending 30s. But I'm not going to openly pout about it. That's what my bedroom and Ben & Jerry's is for.

Highlight reel: You are so creative- you should be a party planner.

Reality: I'm not really creative. I'm a great copycat. I find things on Pinterest, or other blogs and emulate. Actually the same can be said about my comedic style as well. I think I'd shit my pants if someone really wanted me to plan a party or die of anxiety.

Highlight reel: Facebook profile pics

Reality: Most. Unphotogenic. Person. Ever.

So there you have it. Don't believe the hype. Highlight reels are amazing, but not realistic.

Two face makeup tutorial

Here's a bit of a departure from my normal post, but bear with me- I'm pretty darn proud of myself and need to share. So my kickball team is really quirky and we usually theme every game we play. Cowboys and Indians, 80s night, nerd theme, etc. etc....you get the picture. We figure if we aren't going to win games, we might as well have fun and find excuses to treat every Thursday like it is Halloween. Side note: it's MUCH easier to meet new people at the bar when you have a conversation starter like a tomahawk or jean jacket on, right?

This week's game was against some people who used to play with us (traitors!) and they wanted to do a joint theme. So they decided on superheroes vs. supervillains- and of course they gave themselves the easier theme...superheroes; leaving the villains to the veteran themers. As I was trying to decide what to dress up in, I was really disappointed that all female villains are either a.) wearing no clothes or b.) lame. I'm all for wearing no clothes, but not when I'm supposed to try to jog/run to first base- the, um....girls are way too big for that and ain't nobody got time to tuck a boob back in a bra. Luckily for me, it is close to Halloween and Pinterest is filled with great ideas.  Which leads me to this gem I found online:


Female Two Face!? Original, unexpected...AWESOME!



I loved that this was unexpected and would give me a chance to play with fun makeup. Surely this couldn't be that difficult! Additionally, I've been DYING for an excuse to re-wear my Cheshire Cat contact(s) from last Halloween (whatever, you'd do it to...those bitches were expensive), so I decided this was it.



Meeee-yow! I loved these so much!



I chose to go with a purple face because my frame of reference was Tommy Lee Jones in Batman Forever...and I figured I could the leg off a pair of purple tights to make the whole side of my body match my face. GENIUS! To top it off, I had one of those eyeshadow quads that you buy because you really only like one or two of the colors in it and you never even touch the others and end up throwing it away and cursing the company for not making the color you like available in a single shadow (but I digress)...so I figured I could utilize that instead of that horrible Halloween face makeup that either greases on your face or crusts up and flakes off. I really hate that stuff.

What do these two things have in common?

Both the movie and the bottom of this compact ended up in someone's trash can.

 Step 1: I grabbed a paper plate for a make up palette and put a little foundation in the center. The great part about using your foundation is that you already like the way it goes on your face and the application is much easier than that greasy cake-y paint....AND it dries with a soft powder finish (or at least mine does. I don't know what your foundation does for you.) I didn't want to use a lot of my foundation (that sh*t's expensive!) and I didn't know how the color would mix with it so I also added a dab of makeup primer, a dab of moisturizer, and a dab of an illuminating face lotion I have. I can tell you're pumped about my accurate measurements. Taking an end of an old eyeshadow applicator and pulling the sponge off it, I used the plastic sharp under part to file out some of the purple eyeshadow to tint the foundation...because I'm real redneck like that. Give me some duct tape- I can fix anything.

This is the hardest part of the whole process. Ferseriously. It took a lot more pigment than I expected to get the color I wanted and I had to add a little more moisturizer in so that it wasn't all clumpy. I just used the applicator to mix it, since I was throwing it away anyway. Once I got the color and consistency I wanted it was time for application.

Step 2: I picked the side of my face I wanted and pulled the hair back off that side so that I could apply without getting it everywhere. I used a triangle sponge applicator to apply because it's cheap, it has a hard edge (which was needed to make that crisp divider line), and I had a bunch. If you don't trust yourself to do a straight line, I would use painters tape to mask your face. Yeah, that was a real suggestion- don't judge me! Think about it: it's sticky (without sticking too much) and you can make the line pristine. I was really shocked I didn't need this, as most of the time I really think I may have makeup-application-induced-Parkinsons, but shockingly, the line went on fairly straight.

No way! That's a pretty good half face, if I do say so myself.

What you can't tell from the picture is that the mixture of the pinkish purple pigment and the purple made for a really cool color blend that had a bit of shine from the illuminating liquid I added to the mix. SCORE! You can also see that I just put this over my existing daily makeup, since it was 5pm and I had to leave my house at 6 (living in East Jesus suuucks). Totally worked out well... I left space around my eye for the black eyeliner and used this opportunity to figure out where I wanted to put the mouth. Since this is eyeshadow and foundation, it comes off really easy with eye makeup remover, so don't worry about overdoing the half face now- you can remove any part of it in a snap!

Step 3: I rolled up the purple side of my hair in hot rollers to get that ready for the craziness I would put it up in later and put in one of my Cheshire Cat contacts before I started working with the black and all the other makeup- since that thing makes my eyes water like whoa and I wasn't going for the Lauren Conrad single black tear effect. Using my black chubby stick eyeliner, I outlined a rough mouth shape and used a q-tip and cotton pad with MK eyemakeup remover (because it's the best) to clean up the inside of the new mouth/sneer/teeth filled jaggedy place. Once it was cleaned up, I filled the space in with white eyeliner and set the eyeliner with an ivory eyeshadow.

Look into my CRAZY eye!

Step 4: After I settled on a final mouth shape, I used the purple shadow that was more pink on an old blush brush and did a little contouring (massive fail) and set the rest of the purple powder. I then pulled out my chub (hehe) again and traced an exaggerated version of my eyebrow, blacked out my socket, outlined the mouth shape and added top and bottom teeth to the sneer. I made a few "wrinkles" out of the black just by trying to follow the lines made in the original pinner's picture. If I had it to do over again, I would have made a better eyebrow and made the wrinkles a little more distinct than I ended up doing them. I would have also attempted a bit more dramatic contour with the black. I think I was afraid that I was going to screw it up and have to blend it or wipe it off and end up with a half black face instead of a half purple face. I pulled out the curlers and ratted the curls a bit and turned my whole left side upside down and sprayed the roots so it would stay up and appear shorter than the other side.

I totally kept this white bra clean! Go me!

After this was done I pulled down the other side of my hair and straightened it and touched up my normal side makeup and filled in any gaps on my purple side using the sponge. I CAREFULLY put on my kickball shirt (again, since I used makeup instead of paint, this was pretty easy!) and practiced my evil face.

Muah hahahaha

This was SO much fun, y'all and I creeped people out all night. The profile was crazy looking and people were impressed that I did it myself. It really wasn't bad! If you can apply your regular makeup, you can do this! The only downside is that it really didn't photograph well in the dark with a flash...and because I failed to contour, it looked like I just had a really fat face. Next time...next time....

Seriously- I didn't know Two Face's second face was a fatty.

Happy Halloween!

NAILED IT!

I keep telling you I'm one step away from crazy cat lady

Man, social media can make you envious! As I'm scrolling through all the pictures my friends are posting of their beautiful bridals and fabulous honeymoons, I find myself a little jealous. 

Don't get me wrong...I'm not desperate to get married. I'm not looking into tying down the next sucker who walks in the room because I feel like I need to meet some sort of timeline. If I don't marry until I'm 45, then that's ok with me. However, when I look at their pictures, I see it differently- they are beautifully capturing themselves in their youth. Something they can look back on later in life and remember. When you have major life events, like a wedding or a baby- it's way more acceptable to have professional photographs to document your life. But to do them "just because"...I think people have a different mindset about that. Well, seeing as how I'm not getting married any time soon, I'm not a member of a church to have a directory picture, and I'm not having a baby, I found my own solution.

I decided that for my 30th birthday, I'm going to be the weirdo that has a full on professional shoot. I mean the full deal- beautiful dress picture, artsy-fartsy-hipster-field-holding-a-balloon picture...the whole bit. Complete with hair and makeup. Because I'm just getting older, and I just want to hold on to this time in my life while I can.

AND THEN...I'm going to take myself a honeymoon replacement. I've never traveled. I've never vacationed. My first vacation was two years ago with my college roommate to Florida- how sad is that?!  I never "spring break-ed" (like how I made that a verb), or even gone out of the country. So I'm getting my passport and going somewhere tropical. Because there's no time like now. I need to not wait for an excuse to do these things, I need to just do them.

It may be weird, it may be slightly vain and pathetic- who cares? I can't wait to see my pretty pictures. If you're nice, I might even put them on a Christmas card for you.

What do you mean you don't know how to check your tire pressure?

So I'm having a conversation with my group of friends today and one of the girls asks about how to check her tire pressure. I find myself being all, "Isn't this stuff every woman should know?" and self-righteous about it, and I have to remind myself that it's not always everyone's normal to be able to do pretty much everything a man can do besides sex myself up, and in the electronic age, I can pretty much do that if necessary as well.

Chock it up to being raised by a single mother with 3 sisters? My intense need for independence? I don't really know what it is, but I've never really relied on people to do things for me. Because I've never really had that option. Over the years, I have befriended ladies who have told me things that baffled me, including, but not limited to:

• I've never filled my car up with gas. My dad did it and then my husband took over when we started dating.
• I've never hung a shelf or used any tools.
• I don't know how to change a tire.
• I've never set up my utilities or balanced my checking account.
• I don't know how to put together Ikea furniture or other "assembly required" pieces.
• I've never painted.
• I've never moved myself.

My dear LAWD I feel competent. It's not that I'm knocking these ladies for never having to do any of these things, but even if you have the resources available to you, wouldn't you want to learn?  What do you do if you get a flat tire? Am I completely idiotic in thinking that I don't want to rely on someone else to help me make things happen?

Here's the rub, and it may just be a Southern thing...when you CAN do these things- people look at you as either a hyper feminist or semi-butch.  It's bizarre, really. I remember when I lived with my ex we were hanging floating shelves on the wall and he was driving me batty because he was not looking for studs, using a level, and other general fuckery that made me want to punch a baby. When I told him I was going to do it because I couldn't stand another hole in the wall (I mean, there are only so many well placed vases and pictures), he got all pissed at me and said I was emasculating him. Really? I thought I was just doing something correctly. I'm not going to play the damsel in distress role, because I'm not distressed. I don't NEED a man to do things for me. If a man is in my life, it's because I WANT him to be and I'm irritated that I have to feign dumb and helpless to stroke a little ego. 

This is where society has changed. My generation should be the product of the feminist seeds sown, and therefore should be independent. Where are the men that were supposed to grow up and be more communicative and nurturing to meet my changing needs? I don't need someone to change my oil, or tires, or teach me how to do things that I should know how to do as a functional human being. And I feel really sorry for women who don't know how to do these things because you never know when that source you rely on is going to be unavailable. 

Butch on, ladies...butch on.

Pin this, bitches!

I have a love/hate relationship with Pinterest. I LOVE the stuff I find on there, and contrary to popular belief, it’s not all recipes and crafts. Flat extension cords? Who knew these existed?! A gadget that finds your lost keys/lost phone? Sign. Me. Up. But I will tell you what I absolutely HATE on Pinterest: seeing all my friend’s stupid ass wedding boards. Bitch, you aren’t even engaged! And I don’t know why you would pin that strapless plunging neckline dress when you’re a size 16 anyway. I guess by the time you actually get engaged you’ll be able to wear it? Am I the only person getting fatter as I’m in a relationship?

I had a friend in college who would always buy bridal magazines and earmark and tab things she liked. Can someone please explain to me WHY you would do this if you are nowhere in the ballpark of a wedding? By the time these girls actually get engaged, these styles will be LONG gone. Trust me...because they are also the girls who pin things like the Marilyn Monroe quote that says something like, “A wise girls kisses, but doesn’t love...” or some other equally depressing bullshit.

I’m not trying to be a dream crusher...ok, maybe I’m crushing a few dreams...but I can’t be the only person in the world who thinks this is annoying. I can forgive you for putting your ab workout post next to your triple fudge cake recipe...but I don’t want to see the templates for your non-existent wedding. Stop the madness! I’m not saying I don’t look at the occasional wedding dress...I just don’t pin it for the world to see! Keep that shit on lock, ladies. Obsess/dream/hope in private...

This public service announcement brought to you by Hershey’s chocolate. Hershey’s: keeping single girls company since 1894.

Are you there bacon? It's me, Margaret...er, Emily

I’m fighting with my scale. Actually, I take that back because I’m not really a numbers person. I’m fighting with my saddlebags. For those of you not ready to listen to me bitch about being chubby, just tune out now because I’m on a tirade.

I’m prefacing this post with the statement that I do indeed know how to lose weight and I don’t want to hear about how I should just run or eat beets or whatever other bullshit advice you have for me because I don’t care. I’m a firm believer in doing what works for you and what works for you won’t work for me. Partially because the only time I want to run is if my life depends on it, and partially because I’ve tried just about everything I want to try and I know what works and what doesn’t, so adopting your low carb/Paleo/vegetarian/2 Big Mac/whatever voodoo lifestyle choice you are doing doesn’t appeal to me. So don’t even waste your breath because, like my last trainer, I’ll probably just verbally assault you and ignore what you have to say.

When I think about what I need to do to lose weight, I want to punch a baby. Preferably a chubby one. At the peak of my weight loss last year (which happened to be around my 10 yr reunion...coincidence? Pssshyeah right!) I was almost completely gluten free and drinking about 160 oz of water a day. I wasn’t really working out, unless you count the stripper-robics or the Bikram. None of these things are difficult in the least. It’s not hard to stick to that diet and it’s not hard to do that very minimal physical activity. The difficulty I have with these things is the amount of TIME that is needed to do them. A ton of planning goes into eating gluten-free and making sure that I’m eliminating excuses by cooking on Sundays (usually about a 3 hour effort, not counting the trip to the grocery store) for the whole week and planning the 6 times a day that I was eating. What. The. Hell. I would CONSTANTLY be thinking of the next thing I was going to put in my mouth (that’s what she said), whether it was another shot of water or the piece of turkey I brought for a snack. I played Power Hour with my water to make sure I made my daily goal...if it was 10 AM and I was only 60 oz in, I was behind! Then I’d get off work and somehow find an hour and a half to go sweat my boobs off in a Bikram class in Richardson, which was a good 45 mins away from my house. By the time I walked in the door, it was usually about 9...and if I did that NOW, living in Garland, better push that to about 9:30. This is why people are fat...because who has the time to do this shit day in and day out? Well technically, I do, but I want to whine about the effort, so shut your face and jump on my venting train.

Long story short, I have to suck it up and find a way to motivate myself to spend the time to do this shit. And to stop eating delicious things. And drink more water...I’m already 60 oz behind...

I hate naturally thin people.

"Does that make me craaaazaaaay?"

The other day, on my morning commute I was tuned into Kidd Kraddick and caught what is perhaps my favorite segment- the "Does that make me crazy?" bit. For those of you who are not familiar, listeners call in with their quirks, OCD tendencies, strange habits/rituals, and all other things that you wouldn't want others to know for fear that they may think you're crazy and the show weighs in on whether or not it's crazy. And they loop that line from the Gnarls Barkley song after each entry for added humor (thus the post title- just in case you weren't intuitive enough to figure that out. If you were, the department of redundancy department apologizes.) For example, yesterday one of the callers said that she has to kiss all of her pets goodbye before she leaves the house and that sometimes the cat would go missing and she'd have to spend the time to find her and kiss her goodbye because she didn't want her cat's feelings to be hurt. They said that she was slightly crazy. So I listen to these whenever I catch them, and while many people have some crazy issues, I'm pretty sure my crazy ass has them beat, hands down.

My friends and family are ridiculously entertained by all of the crazy quirks I have and the random crap that goes through my mind, so I decided to entertain you all by sharing what I would be journaling for my own amusement. Because I'm generous like that.

For instance, those of you who know me well know that I do NOT do crowded places. I have no idea where this phobia came from. I've always been a little claustraphobic, but it never really was an issue when I worked at the bar and we had to stand around and clap at closing and about 2500 people would cram through the exit, drunk, falling all over you and getting in your face to tell you goodbye. Actually, come to think of it- maybe that is what caused my anxiety, but I digress. Anyway, I seriously have damn near panic attacks when I am around a ton of people. Crowded elevators, Walmart on a Saturday, concerts, etc. make me freak out. Like pace back and forth, need to cover my ears and cry, hyperventilating freak out. Last summer my mom, sister and I went to Sams one weekend to get some stuff for a family barbeque we were having and they were able to see this in action. We got to a crowded section of the store and I literally paced back and forth and then darted off to a semi-clear aisle and knelt down and put my head between my knees until I gained composure. It is the most random, involuntary thing. I really try my best to avoid any situation that might make me freak out, because to be quite honest- it's a bit embarrassing. Thus the blog. I'm really going to start posting now. Not just talk about starting a blog.