Thoughts on "the bod"

I just entered my 20th week of pregnancy. It's crazy to me how it is flying by and how I'm halfway done. Halfway! That is nuts to me. I ended up posting a selfie to social media to celebrate my halfway mark, and to share my burgeoning bump with my nearest and dearest. I like to keep it fun and entertaining by talking about all the stupid fruits these apps keep telling me to help me gauge the size of my baby. A banana, mango, and cantaloupe are not at all the same size, by the way. At all. So of course I went ahead and got fully dressed, sought out the most flattering lighting, and put all my strategic posing in place. Because when I look back on this time (and I know I will want to eventually), I will want to look back fondly and hopefully remind myself how silly I was being about my body image and perception.

                  It took about 10 of these:                                          To get this:

                        

Truth be told, I hate taking photos these days because I am feeling so self conscious about my body. And while I realize that I am growing a human and that I'm "supposed to gain" and I should be focused on eating healthy and staying active for the baby, I would be lying if I said that there's not pressure all around to have an adorable basketball, while gaining the least amount of weight possible. Between Pinterest, the crazy workout posts that inundate my social media feeds, and the constant scrutiny on women's bodies in general (check any insufferable rag in the grocery checkout for the latest "who got too fat during pregnancy" expose), you can really get down about your thighs rubbing together or feel guilty for craving ice cream when you know you should be eating lean protein and plenty of veggies. I guilted myself for buying maternity pants- even though I'm 20 weeks! I will note that they are the best invention ever and have done wonders for the way I feel about putting clothes on, so ultimately it was a win.

I have struggled with body image and depression throughout my adult life, and with the surge and inbalance of hormones, I am dealing with a bit of pregnancy depression  and anxiety that I am hoping to work through in the next few months. At first, it was just the horrible dreams that I was having and the constant feeling that something terrible was going to happen. I honestly would think that as soon as I "got on board" and got excited about the baby, disaster was going to strike and I would miscarry or something. While many women have these thoughts, mine wouldn't go away. I also had trouble sleeping, or would want to sleep too late, or when I got home from work- even into the 2nd trimester when I was feeling better and would have energy. My occasional irritability got worse and I noticed that I would get upset with Patrick for all kinds of things, with no solution for a win. I think the one good thing about being able to recognize depression is that when I started to see the signs, I knew it was more than just pregnancy blues. For me, the cycle is vicious and centers a lot about my self-image. I beat myself up for not being more active, and that further depresses me. Part of how I am taking charge of that is dealing with the hormonal imbalance through supplements and exercise and eating right, and part of that is using my outlet- which is why I decided to post this. 

I started thinking about how much is asked of women. Be smart, be funny, be active, be fit, be beautiful, be kind, be cool, be laid back, etc. etc. We put so much pressure on ourselves to measure up to a standard that is so impossible to meet. I thought about all the hypocrisy there is around appearance between men and women, and how it seems that more and more less emphasis is placed on things that matter and are valuable and more is placed on things that are fleeting. I get angry at the examples in the media where you have men who've married WAY up (some that come to mind are TV shows with the schlep/beauty combo like King of Queens, According to Jim, Family Guy (geez, I am SOOO out of the entertainment loop), or the equal match, like Mike and Molly) or movies like Knocked Up or the Neighbors that depict the defunct man-child with the great catch. You NEVER see it the other way around. Name me one example of a ridiculously hot and driven man with a schlep woman. You won't find it. I find myself asking why I am being so ridiculous and neurotic about my body. It is a vehicle right now for incubating life and I'm having melt downs about changing clothing size. There is something SO wrong about that, and I refuse to be a slave to this type of self defeat. I'm inflicting unnecessary pressure on myself for what? So I can keep up with expectations? Psss...that's so basic. And I'm a bad b*tch. 

If I were having a little girl, I know that I would want to be an example to her for what it means to be a confident woman. Having a little boy is no exception. I want him to see me as an example of the things that really matter and raise him to believe that he should cherish a woman's heart above her body. I don't want him to have a mama who can't take a photo of herself pregnant because she doesn't want people to see how out of shape she's gotten. I want him to have healthy associations with food and activity. 

I want him to realize that women aren't heroes for posting pics of themselves in bikinis with colostomy bags, but rather are complete slaves to the need for affirmation and validation. That whole topic just infuriated me. She has the confidence now to become a model? Since when was being a model contingent on you removing enough clothing to display your device that captures your waste?! Not only that but would people have been as encouraging if she wasn't thin and beautiful? Have you ever seen a full colostomy bag? It's not pretty. Google that, because I can't even bring myself to post it. I have zero desire to see that on the beach, no matter how much you've done to come to terms with your Crohn's. If we were hailing her for dealing with her Crohn's and coping with the damaging effects of it, that would be one thing. But we are celebrating her in a bikini. Wow. Congratulations, you just aspired to be pretty. To take a good picture. I don't think you're a hero, sorry.

Oh, cool- I see your poops

Does that leave weird tan lines?

When did wearing a one piece become such a shame? I watched a good video about the evolution of the bathing suit by Jessica Rey, founder of the "Who says it has to be itsy bitsy?" swimsuit line and movement. Here we have a beautiful thin girl who gets that the swimsuit is not about showing as much as you possibly can. There's nothing inherently wrong with a bikini. As a ridiculously long torsoed person, I prefer a bikini fit to a bathing suit for comfort reasons. But the standard has now become less. The standard is now to make it work...even if you have to buy a Fatkini. Why? Why are we doing this to ourselves? I had this conversation several times with my girlfriends as we all prepared for the 4th of July. I had friends posting their workouts and diets to get in summer shape the months leading and still stressing about their party plans because they didn't feel confident in a swimsuit. . My friend Sheena and I, after much back and forth self loathing, decided for that day that we were over it. I'd slap on my granny swimsuit and she would wear her bikini with pride. No man would be souring his party plans because he had a muffin top. Nope...he'd open another beer, grab another hot dog and tell you to get over it. So we decided to live July 4 by that mantra: WWAMD (what would a man do).

I understand being healthy. I understand wanting to be fit and feeling attractive. But our society obsesses over these things. And while there is pressure for men too, most of it is targeted to women and unrealistic expectations. There are many places to place the blame for it, but for my own accountability, I am giving up being so ridiculously hung up on something so temporary. I'll wear my elastic bands and know that I don't have to look a certain way to be happy. I've been fat. I've been thin. Thin feels better, but I'm still always chasing an elusive standard. Nothing is ever good enough and I'm never quite where I want to be. So I'm going to stop letting it run my life. 

Baby steps toward a happier me with a healthier outlook. I don't have to try so hard. Thanks Colbie Caillat.

Do you even know what you're up in arms over?

I'm extra rant-y today, so I apologize in advance. I thought I could just go about and ignore all the stupid posts I'm seeing on Facebook about the SCOTUS decision on the Hobby Lobby case or all the "feminists" in my feed declaring that we are somehow setting women back a hundred years and are on a "slippery slope" to allowing all kinds of ridiculous religious freedoms to affect our medical access by allowing this private business to "mandate" their religion on their employees. Just reading that back makes my brain hurt. On the flip side, seeing the conservative posts where people are interrupting or shaming or in some cases shouting at the opposition isn't really doing anything to help the conversation. So I decided to post about it-even if it only makes me feel better by getting it all out.

First of all, I feel like I need to preface this post with a few overshares from me, so you know where I am. I want to include this so that you have an idea on where I stand on the issue of contraception, not to validate my opinion.

• I am currently pregnant with an "oops". Let no one tell you that ANY contraception is 100% accurate, because the more I share how I thought I was the elusive 1% of a 99% effective birth control, the more I hear that this is more common than people think.
• Prior to my pregnancy, I was planning on getting a birth control implant placed in my arm as a convenience factor. The implant (with insurance) was going to cost me a total of $365. I am trying to see in what case any implant would be considered a right or necessity. I have read about a few cases of it being used to treat endometrial hyperplasia, but I would be interested to see what the statistics are on convenience vs. medical need, as well as any homeopathic or natural medicines (none of which are covered by insurance) are used to treat that condition. (Side note: I don't know how many people have seen D.O.s, but NONE of that stuff is covered by insurance, despite its effectiveness. ALL out of pocket) Many companies, other than Hobby Lobby have not covered IUDs in the past. Some only cover them partially now. 
• I have purchased Plan B a handful of times in my adult life- both from the time when you could only get it if you went to a doctor to get a prescription for it, to when it became available behind the counter. I've never had it covered by my insurance- possibly because I must be the only person on the planet that didn't know that with the Obamacare changes, it WAS even covered by my insurance. I believe it to be a great back up option and not to be an evil abortifacient. Accidents do happen, and part of purchasing a product like this is having to own that piece of yourself that decided to engage in the activity in the first place and to know that there are consequences to your actions.

For your edification, here's what Plan B is/does:

• Plan B is an EMERGENCY contraception. It is intended to be used if your birth control fails. From the site: directly, Plan B One-Step^® is emergency contraception that helps prevent pregnancy after birth control failure or unprotected sex. It is a backup method of preventing pregnancy and should not be used as regular birth control. Use as directed.
• It's about $46 at Target/Walmart/CVS/Walgreens and about $30 (plus visit coinsurance cost) at Planned Parenthood
• It works very similarly to birth control. Also directly from the site: Plan B One-Step^® is one tablet with levonorgestrel, a hormone that has been used in many birth control pills for several decades. Plan B One-Step^® contains a higher dose of levonorgestrel than birth control pills, but works in a similar way to prevent pregnancy. It works mainly by stopping the release of an egg from the ovary. It is possible that Plan B One-Step^® may also work by preventing fertilization of an egg (the uniting of sperm with the egg) or by preventing attachment (implantation) to the uterus (womb)

Here's what Plan B is NOT/doesn't do:

Plan B One-Step^® should not be used:

• As a regular birth control method, because it's not as effective as regular birth control. Because it is the equivalent of taking about 8-10 regular birth control pills, it is absolutely not safe to use as a means of birth control. Unless you like blood clots. Or strokes.
• If you are already pregnant, because it will not work. Please note that this means it will not terminate an existing pregnancy.
• If Plan B One-Step® is taken as directed, it can significantly decrease the chance that you will get pregnant. About 7 out of every 8 women who would have gotten pregnant will not become pregnant. Meaning this is not 100% effective.

Now that that's out of the way, I want to talk about some of the statements I'm seeing on Facebook that I take issue with.

You have to be careful about the positioning and wording of pictures like this. Did I miss the part where Hobby Lobby is refusing birth control coverage of any kind? There were four types of birth control at the center of Hobby Lobby’s contentions: Plan B and Ella- both emergency contraceptives, Copper Intrauterine Device and IUD with progestin — forms of birth control that some believe can cause or are akin to abortion.

I don't agree with either position on the contraception method, but I totally agree with their decision to not cover it if it goes against their beliefs. ESPECIALLY since they are still covering some form of birth control.
National Review has provided a list of all of the drugs and procedures that Hobby Lobby employees can still take advantage of free of charge — including oral birth control:

• Female condoms
• Male condoms
• Diaphragms with spermicide
• Sponges with spermicide
• Cervical caps with spermicide
• Spermicide alone
• Birth-control pills with estrogen and progestin (“Combined Pill)
• Birth-control pills with progestin alone (“The Mini Pill)
• Birth control pills (extended/continuous use)
• Contraceptive patches
• Contraceptive rings
• Progestin injections
• Implantable rods Dude! That's what I wanted to get!
• Vasectomies
• Female sterilization surgeries
• Female sterilization implants

That still sounds like Hobby Lobby will cover conventional birth control, which makes these next two common catchphrases seem very irrelevant:

"Well I hope they have a good maternity plan then, since this will result in unwanted pregnancies!" 

How so? If you can choose from those other 16 options or pay for one of the other 4 on your own, if you turn up pregnant, I have to wonder how they are at fault.

"This is totally unfair for those women who cannot afford birth control or need it for other reasons. News flash- birth control is used for the treatment of other medical conditions such as acne, hormonal imbalance, and endometriosis"

News flash- you can still get the kind of birth control that treats this. Last I read, Plan B and Ella were not used to treat any of these conditions and I would love to see the statistics on the number of IUDs (referencing my thought above) prescribed as the sole option for any of these conditions. Additionally, as I mentioned before, natural treatments (like the progesterone cream and other homeopathic treatments I was taking for my own hormonal imbalance) are not covered by insurance either.

On the note of purchasing Plan B or Ella ($40-$50), since when is an emergency contraception treatment a woman's sole responsibility? If you can't afford to purchase that on your own, then why in the world are you not asking the other culpable party (the man) to help you with the cost of preventing an unwanted pregnancy? If you think it is somehow feminist and liberating to do it on your own, then you are missing the empowerment of being able to have a grown up discussion with someone who should be equally responsible in the contraception conversation. Just as protection is no one party's responsibility (i.e. women should also keep condoms on hand to take charge of their protection), any emergency situation should be discussed between the two.

If you'll read the small print, you'll see the other major concern that this is a "slippery slope" to the liberties that will be taken on religious freedoms and that a corporation is not a person and is not protected by the First Amendment. Matt Walsh wrote a far more involved piece on this than I did, but I would add that even within the Christian Scientists spectrum, the thoughts on medical care are varied. As this article from the Denver Post quotes:

"Our church does not require us to use prayer only," Van Vleck said. "Our church does not punish us for getting a bone set or receiving any kind of medical treatment. It's the individual's choice. Such treatment could be a temporary means, a step, that enables someone to take the next step to complete reliance on God."

I had no idea that everyone was an expert on how these different religions would choose to run a business or what they are even willing to push back to the supreme court about. I can't seem to locate the media attention around a Jehovah's Witness owned business who is also going  to the Supreme Court to fight against covering blood transfusions- which I ALSO didn't even know was an a-la-carte option in health coverage! Crazy. Knowing this now, I'll be sure to schedule my weekly blood transfusion since it's covered by insurance...for now.

I also saw this SomeeCard that was amended from the famous Birth Control: Not my Boss' Business signs that protesters held:

Mostly because I think the implication is one that says Hobby Lobby- who is apparently employing half of Facebook these days- is trying to regulate their use of birth control. Which they aren't. And I hate to point out the obvious, but when you go to work for a company- you accept their benefits package, PTO policies, employee hand books and any other conditions that they have because (in full contradiction to this slogan) IT IS THEIR BUSINESS and they can run it how they see fit. If you don't like it, you don't have to work there. I doubt Hobby Lobbys are the "food desert" of employment. If there's only one establishment to work in town, I doubt it's an arts and crafts store. I would probably think that their decision to go into market is based on the population base and would really never be the only place people could work. But people are working for them, probably in part because their starting pay is 190% of minimum wage. But you don't get to have it both ways- if you want to work for a great company who offers great pay, you get what comes with that company. If this polarizing birth control alternative coverage is THAT important to you, you are free to choose an employer who covers the plan, or go part time and enroll in Obamacare. I doubt any management in Hobby Lobby is checking to make sure you aren't taking any birth control. They are simply saying they don't want to cover these 4. And why shouldn't they be allowed to make that compromise?!

When I was in college, my parents didn't want me to work. And they provided me a monthly salary to live off of. I didn't like that it wasn't as much as I wanted and I didn't like that they got to weigh in on my activities, but as they explained, "If you are under our financial umbrella, we get to make the rules. If you don't want to be under those rules, you need to be under your own financial umbrella." So that's what I did- no way, man- I want to do what I want to do! So I got a job and started living how I wanted to live. This is exactly the case with Hobby Lobby. You want Plan B or an IUD? Pay for it. What the heck is so hard to understand about that?

I am most amused at the fact that people can't actually articulate what it is they are protesting. I think the funniest example of this was on this video from the madworld blog.

I realize that this is conservative, but it's a good example of why it's important to know what you are arguing before you do it. Same for the right- dear Lawd, let the woman talk so you can have a rational discussion that may force someone to think! Do you realize how dumb this makes you seem- even if you're right?

I think ultimately, I really wish both sides understood what they were opposing and how to do that in a logical way. I think part of the way to effectively get your point across is to at the very least LISTEN to what the other side is saying, and then counter it with your thoughts/possible support. Blindly yelling talking points...on either side...is asinine.

Trust me- I'm more than willing to have a calm and rational conversation about it and say, "You know what? I haven't thought about that from that point." Having said that, I don't want someone coming at me telling me that any thought is trash just because it comes from a certain news source. I don't do that when I look at debates- there can be valuable information from any source. Just know your stuff! Make rational points! It's not difficult.

Things I wasn't prepared for (this post contains baby related stuff)

Now see, I warned you and you clicked anyway- thus absolving me from any liability for your thoughts while reading this entry. It's 3 am and I'm 17 weeks pregnant and I'm wide awake after my routing mid-night bathroom trip. Usually, I can go back to sleep, but I can't tonight so I'm using the opportunity to hide under the covers and start a blog entry while Patrick snoozes away. Because this is my life now? Hiding the glow of my phone like a little refugee and knowing full well that I'm going to be exhausted tomorrow.

I've been thinking about all the crazy things you hear about in pregnancy and decided to write a blog (Emily style, of course) about my experience thus far. Some of these things I had a good background for, some of which I thought I'd be ready for and wasn't, and some that I swear I'd never heard before and want to document so other people don't feel as weird as I did. Some of you will be mildly entertained because you've been waiting for this, so...you're welcome.

I'm already through my first trimester, so I'm not really experiencing much of this anymore, and let me caveat that I have been extraordinarily lucky in the fact that I haven't had terrible morning sickness or hugged a toilet throughout my first trimester, so it's really the equivalent of #firstworldproblems over here... Let me also disclose that I know some women REALLY struggle to even get pregnant in the first place, and I am not meaning to minimize the experience. This post is really more for entertainment value than as a "statement" of any kind that is meant to generalize my thoughts on pregnancy, so cut me some slack.

Morning sickness
TOTAL misnomer for me. I wasn't sick, per se- but I was nauseated pretty much on cue every evening. This was mostly attributed to my not accommodating the whole "eat around the clock" thing that they tell you to do. This isn't a joke. You should probably do this. Before, I could sit at my desk all day and look up and it be 5PM and say to myself, "Well, shoot. I didn't eat anything all day. Oh well- I'm ok, not dying." Hahah- not so much during my first trimester. I was like Chris Farley in that SNL Gap Girls skit.

"LAY OFF ME, I'M STARVING!"

 If I didn't eat, I paid for it- in food aversions and nausea. After I'd pass a certain point of hunger, I was so indecisive about what I wanted to eat that I literally couldn't decide. Patrick was so sweet and brought home a bag of Whole Foods ready to eat options one night and I didn't just want the warm kale salad out of my face- I can't think about it to this day. It still makes me sick. Even now, I have a hard time planning meals (it is getting easier) because I can't think of things. ME! I can't think of food. And for a person who has a close, personal relationship with their inner fat kid, not being able to decide what sounded good and then having to choke stuff down so I didn't feel sick was a real bummer. Let's just say our practically Paleo diet took a nose dive in the last few weeks because I wanted everything that was bad for you. Cheese, carbs, fat...give it to me. I went on a work trip to Phoenix for 4 days and ate all the things. And I felt amazing. Then I came home and got sick.

Holy hooters, Batman
So I'm still not showing. If you didn't know I was pregnant- the only clue would be my circus sized chest. I'm sure there are women all over the world who get excited about pregnancy because their little B cups look fantastic when they get bigger. Congratulations, you tiny little freaks of nature. I bet you look adorable. When you start out with a huge chest, you end up feeling like that lady who crushes cans and watermelons with her boobs.

And for my next trick...

I have such empathy for  poor Jessica Simpson, and how the WWTDD blog relentlessly commented on how big her knockers got and how veiny they were. The struggle is real, people. There's nothing good about it. It's uncomfortable, makes clothing a daily struggle, and makes all your selfies look like you gained 30 lbs. I figured I'd see some changes, but nothing prepared me for what happened.

Speaking of...whose body is this?
I figured out why women used to have babies so young. It wasn't because of social norms...it was a biological instinct to not have to deal with being old AND being pregnant. You're not nearly as elastic as you were at 22 by 30. And you've been past the acne thing for years, so when your skin looks like a pubescent 14 yr old, it's frustrating. And what the heck is this weight gain about? If I'm going to gain no matter what I eat, pass the cookies, friend. I didn't think it was possible to feel this fat. I haven't bought anything new besides a maxi skirt, so I know that some of this is in my head, and some of it is just bloating because of this lovely (TMI) constipation thing that no one elaborates on. I feel like a sausage. I feel like I look like a sausage. And there's no damn bump for me to excuse it with! Just puffiness. I'm terrified to think about how I'm going to feel afterward. Maybe I'll take up running. Hahahaahahahaha....sorry, I just laughed so hard at myself for that suggestion. I'm waterlogged and still dehydrated. I'm fat, but not showing. Being pregnant blows. Being pregnant during swimsuit season is just downright depressing. Thanks for posting all your lake pics, friends. If you need me, I'll just be in the shade in my mu mu, hiding my cellulite, which is now on my arms. MY ARMS.

Exhaustion/laziness?
My sisters and friends have told me in the past that there is no tired like pregnant tired. I have to apologize to you all, because I really, truly thought you were just being lazy and resting on your pregnancy excuse- or were too stressed with other things. Nope. I'm a believer now. I would get so tired that one night I actually cried because I couldn't go to sleep. You know that feeling that you get when you're past tired and you have trouble going to sleep? That's where I was at. Crying. Because I was tired. I would get weird bursts of motivation and energy and tell myself, "Oh man...when I get home today, I'm going to go for a walk! YAY! Stay active!" Yeah, and then I got home...and all said motivation was gone. The only thing I was motivated to do was to crawl in my bed and go to sleep. I like to cook. I couldn't find the motivation to do that. I like to go places. Nope. Not that either. Now that I actually feel like a human again, I can appreciate that it was temporary, but for a while, I thought I might become one of those people that they find affixed to their couch.

I will neither confirm, nor deny that I may or may not have taken a 15 min nap at my desk. Drool and all.

Pregnancy brain is a real thing
Again, I'll apologize to my friends and family because I thought you were making this up too. No, no. It's real. If you know me, you know I have an uncanny memory. Whether it's 80s TV theme songs or the musical I was a mouse in when I was in 2nd grade, I have it on lock! I rarely forget details or space on things. Until now. It's like I have a brain cloud. Kudos to you if you recognize that reference. I would literally forget things I asked 2 seconds prior. At work. At home. With my friends. It's not that I wasn't aware- it's that I would totally forget almost immediately, or lose it in the vast fog that somehow has overtaken what used to be a very sharp mind. Thanks, baby! Now I'll never be a trivia champion! I really wanted this to not be real. I wanted to believe that people were blaming their mistakes on it just to do it. I've told the same story over and over to Patrick...or forgot plans that I made, or walked around with an item for 10 minutes trying to remember what I was doing with it. How is this possible? I'm mega-mind! WTF.

Brain cloud...brain cloud...you think they'd come up with something better than a brain cloud!

Paranoia is the cause of most google searches
Oh y'all. If you could see some of the things I Googled. Like I said above, the second I stopped "feeling" pregnant (AKA, no more sickness, etc.) I was convinced something was wrong. But I was also convinced I was carting around a dead baby. Apparently, this is not uncommon, and weird paranoia is something that most first time moms feel.

I totally am embarrassed of the things I've googled. And most of it is really dark. My first sono was just a little bean and between that and the YMCA sono (where the baby was flailing it's arms everywhere), I was convinced that I was going to have a Downs baby, a baby with no limbs, a miscarriage, and about a million other silly things. I still have paranoid thoughts, all the time. The one good thing about Googling this though, is that there are several baby community groups that debunk all the stupid fears. Unlike WebMD, the more you google crazy stuff, the more you are assured that you are not the only weirdo who asks these things.

People are really judgy pants
I am aware that growing a tiny human is a miracle. I am aware that a lot of women are very emotional about it. But a lot of women are emotional about rom-coms and puppies too. Look, it's not that I'm not excited about having a baby. It's just that most days, I feel more utilitarian than all warm and fuzzy about the process. I will probably not be one of those women who cries when I first feel the baby move. In fact, I'll probably grab Patrick and say...whoa dude...feel this. WEIRD! That's not to say that I'm not going to be excited to find out what I'm having or feel ready when it's time. I'm just not a blubbering mess about this "miracle of life" that I'm producing. No, in fact some days I'm like...DAMN YOU BABY- stop doing handstand push ups in there! That doesn't make me a monster. Maybe the hormones will make me all emotional later. But for now, just quit making me feel like a psychopath because I'm not swooning over things.
I am also not fussing over baby stuff or already picturing my baby shower. I don't even really like baby-themed things. The thought of a shower with characters or a nursery filled with baby Einstein colored crap everywhere makes me shudder. And when you TELL people this, they make you feel like you're dead inside. I am very well aware (thanks, Angela) that I will probably get a child who wants to drown their room in some cartoon character and it will be amazing payback for me. But so what if I'd rather envision the shopping spree I'm going to have to take to the Container Store to hide all the paraphernalia than the ruffles or footballs that are going to inevitably creep their way through my beautiful decor.

                     

If you can't see how the brightly colored mess would make my head pop off, then you just don't know me!

I'm a hair trigger of things I find annoying. From gender reveals to Pinterest suggestions on how to celebrate things, I'm almost entirely into function mode and can't be bothered with fluff. I would equate myself to a stroller right now. Sure, I'm carrying a baby. But I'm not oohing and ahhing. I'm functional. Where are the bins and compartments? 

Which brings me to....

Your poor baby daddy/partner

I always thought it was weird that nurses ask you if you have a supportive partner at home. I thought...well even if you didn't, you can do it. Pregnant women do it alone all the time. I realized that what they meant to say was, "Do you have a supportive partner at home? Someone who is contractually obligated to stay with your crazy ass when you start spouting off about how you feel like a heifer and will love you even when they are doing the dishes for the 10th time this week because they feel bad for how pathetic you look on the couch? No seriously...you're going to annoy the crap out of them...are you good? Here's a support number just in case. No it's not for you. It's for him." And while he's not contractually obligated yet, he's definitely been a trooper.

Patrick has been great. From day 1 when I was FREAKING OUT like an 18 yr old who just "ruined their life" to constantly tell him to not stare at my fat, he's been so patient and such a great help and support to me. And I'm not kidding when I say I throw a ton of crazy his way. I wish he blogged so he could tell you about how nuts I have been and the crazy scenarios I have asked him to plan for or hypothetical situations I've posed at him. Or the fact that I make him handle all the raw meat. So he's been doing a TON of cooking. Because I can't even think about it. I had some ground beef that we were going to prepare and when I put it into a bowl, I almost threw up. I can think about seeing the meat right now and gag a little. It's very intense! He's seen it, and God love him- he is always willing to help me cut chicken or handle the meats. He could just as easily tell me to quit being a baby and just do it. He's amazing. I wasn't thinking I would be this difficult, but I totally live up to that stereotype. Sorry, P.

I'm glad to be into my second trimester where I'm no longer in a weird state of feeling like a creature and not a person. I hear this is the golden sweet spot. With any luck...I'll feel like doing this:

                                 

Is this bitch planking? PLANKING? Ok, hold on, we have a badass on our hands.