Thoughts on "the bod"

I just entered my 20th week of pregnancy. It's crazy to me how it is flying by and how I'm halfway done. Halfway! That is nuts to me. I ended up posting a selfie to social media to celebrate my halfway mark, and to share my burgeoning bump with my nearest and dearest. I like to keep it fun and entertaining by talking about all the stupid fruits these apps keep telling me to help me gauge the size of my baby. A banana, mango, and cantaloupe are not at all the same size, by the way. At all. So of course I went ahead and got fully dressed, sought out the most flattering lighting, and put all my strategic posing in place. Because when I look back on this time (and I know I will want to eventually), I will want to look back fondly and hopefully remind myself how silly I was being about my body image and perception.

                  It took about 10 of these:                                          To get this:

                        

Truth be told, I hate taking photos these days because I am feeling so self conscious about my body. And while I realize that I am growing a human and that I'm "supposed to gain" and I should be focused on eating healthy and staying active for the baby, I would be lying if I said that there's not pressure all around to have an adorable basketball, while gaining the least amount of weight possible. Between Pinterest, the crazy workout posts that inundate my social media feeds, and the constant scrutiny on women's bodies in general (check any insufferable rag in the grocery checkout for the latest "who got too fat during pregnancy" expose), you can really get down about your thighs rubbing together or feel guilty for craving ice cream when you know you should be eating lean protein and plenty of veggies. I guilted myself for buying maternity pants- even though I'm 20 weeks! I will note that they are the best invention ever and have done wonders for the way I feel about putting clothes on, so ultimately it was a win.

I have struggled with body image and depression throughout my adult life, and with the surge and inbalance of hormones, I am dealing with a bit of pregnancy depression  and anxiety that I am hoping to work through in the next few months. At first, it was just the horrible dreams that I was having and the constant feeling that something terrible was going to happen. I honestly would think that as soon as I "got on board" and got excited about the baby, disaster was going to strike and I would miscarry or something. While many women have these thoughts, mine wouldn't go away. I also had trouble sleeping, or would want to sleep too late, or when I got home from work- even into the 2nd trimester when I was feeling better and would have energy. My occasional irritability got worse and I noticed that I would get upset with Patrick for all kinds of things, with no solution for a win. I think the one good thing about being able to recognize depression is that when I started to see the signs, I knew it was more than just pregnancy blues. For me, the cycle is vicious and centers a lot about my self-image. I beat myself up for not being more active, and that further depresses me. Part of how I am taking charge of that is dealing with the hormonal imbalance through supplements and exercise and eating right, and part of that is using my outlet- which is why I decided to post this. 

I started thinking about how much is asked of women. Be smart, be funny, be active, be fit, be beautiful, be kind, be cool, be laid back, etc. etc. We put so much pressure on ourselves to measure up to a standard that is so impossible to meet. I thought about all the hypocrisy there is around appearance between men and women, and how it seems that more and more less emphasis is placed on things that matter and are valuable and more is placed on things that are fleeting. I get angry at the examples in the media where you have men who've married WAY up (some that come to mind are TV shows with the schlep/beauty combo like King of Queens, According to Jim, Family Guy (geez, I am SOOO out of the entertainment loop), or the equal match, like Mike and Molly) or movies like Knocked Up or the Neighbors that depict the defunct man-child with the great catch. You NEVER see it the other way around. Name me one example of a ridiculously hot and driven man with a schlep woman. You won't find it. I find myself asking why I am being so ridiculous and neurotic about my body. It is a vehicle right now for incubating life and I'm having melt downs about changing clothing size. There is something SO wrong about that, and I refuse to be a slave to this type of self defeat. I'm inflicting unnecessary pressure on myself for what? So I can keep up with expectations? Psss...that's so basic. And I'm a bad b*tch. 

If I were having a little girl, I know that I would want to be an example to her for what it means to be a confident woman. Having a little boy is no exception. I want him to see me as an example of the things that really matter and raise him to believe that he should cherish a woman's heart above her body. I don't want him to have a mama who can't take a photo of herself pregnant because she doesn't want people to see how out of shape she's gotten. I want him to have healthy associations with food and activity. 

I want him to realize that women aren't heroes for posting pics of themselves in bikinis with colostomy bags, but rather are complete slaves to the need for affirmation and validation. That whole topic just infuriated me. She has the confidence now to become a model? Since when was being a model contingent on you removing enough clothing to display your device that captures your waste?! Not only that but would people have been as encouraging if she wasn't thin and beautiful? Have you ever seen a full colostomy bag? It's not pretty. Google that, because I can't even bring myself to post it. I have zero desire to see that on the beach, no matter how much you've done to come to terms with your Crohn's. If we were hailing her for dealing with her Crohn's and coping with the damaging effects of it, that would be one thing. But we are celebrating her in a bikini. Wow. Congratulations, you just aspired to be pretty. To take a good picture. I don't think you're a hero, sorry.

Oh, cool- I see your poops

Does that leave weird tan lines?

When did wearing a one piece become such a shame? I watched a good video about the evolution of the bathing suit by Jessica Rey, founder of the "Who says it has to be itsy bitsy?" swimsuit line and movement. Here we have a beautiful thin girl who gets that the swimsuit is not about showing as much as you possibly can. There's nothing inherently wrong with a bikini. As a ridiculously long torsoed person, I prefer a bikini fit to a bathing suit for comfort reasons. But the standard has now become less. The standard is now to make it work...even if you have to buy a Fatkini. Why? Why are we doing this to ourselves? I had this conversation several times with my girlfriends as we all prepared for the 4th of July. I had friends posting their workouts and diets to get in summer shape the months leading and still stressing about their party plans because they didn't feel confident in a swimsuit. . My friend Sheena and I, after much back and forth self loathing, decided for that day that we were over it. I'd slap on my granny swimsuit and she would wear her bikini with pride. No man would be souring his party plans because he had a muffin top. Nope...he'd open another beer, grab another hot dog and tell you to get over it. So we decided to live July 4 by that mantra: WWAMD (what would a man do).

I understand being healthy. I understand wanting to be fit and feeling attractive. But our society obsesses over these things. And while there is pressure for men too, most of it is targeted to women and unrealistic expectations. There are many places to place the blame for it, but for my own accountability, I am giving up being so ridiculously hung up on something so temporary. I'll wear my elastic bands and know that I don't have to look a certain way to be happy. I've been fat. I've been thin. Thin feels better, but I'm still always chasing an elusive standard. Nothing is ever good enough and I'm never quite where I want to be. So I'm going to stop letting it run my life. 

Baby steps toward a happier me with a healthier outlook. I don't have to try so hard. Thanks Colbie Caillat.