Thoughts on "the bod"

I just entered my 20th week of pregnancy. It's crazy to me how it is flying by and how I'm halfway done. Halfway! That is nuts to me. I ended up posting a selfie to social media to celebrate my halfway mark, and to share my burgeoning bump with my nearest and dearest. I like to keep it fun and entertaining by talking about all the stupid fruits these apps keep telling me to help me gauge the size of my baby. A banana, mango, and cantaloupe are not at all the same size, by the way. At all. So of course I went ahead and got fully dressed, sought out the most flattering lighting, and put all my strategic posing in place. Because when I look back on this time (and I know I will want to eventually), I will want to look back fondly and hopefully remind myself how silly I was being about my body image and perception.

                  It took about 10 of these:                                          To get this:

                        

Truth be told, I hate taking photos these days because I am feeling so self conscious about my body. And while I realize that I am growing a human and that I'm "supposed to gain" and I should be focused on eating healthy and staying active for the baby, I would be lying if I said that there's not pressure all around to have an adorable basketball, while gaining the least amount of weight possible. Between Pinterest, the crazy workout posts that inundate my social media feeds, and the constant scrutiny on women's bodies in general (check any insufferable rag in the grocery checkout for the latest "who got too fat during pregnancy" expose), you can really get down about your thighs rubbing together or feel guilty for craving ice cream when you know you should be eating lean protein and plenty of veggies. I guilted myself for buying maternity pants- even though I'm 20 weeks! I will note that they are the best invention ever and have done wonders for the way I feel about putting clothes on, so ultimately it was a win.

I have struggled with body image and depression throughout my adult life, and with the surge and inbalance of hormones, I am dealing with a bit of pregnancy depression  and anxiety that I am hoping to work through in the next few months. At first, it was just the horrible dreams that I was having and the constant feeling that something terrible was going to happen. I honestly would think that as soon as I "got on board" and got excited about the baby, disaster was going to strike and I would miscarry or something. While many women have these thoughts, mine wouldn't go away. I also had trouble sleeping, or would want to sleep too late, or when I got home from work- even into the 2nd trimester when I was feeling better and would have energy. My occasional irritability got worse and I noticed that I would get upset with Patrick for all kinds of things, with no solution for a win. I think the one good thing about being able to recognize depression is that when I started to see the signs, I knew it was more than just pregnancy blues. For me, the cycle is vicious and centers a lot about my self-image. I beat myself up for not being more active, and that further depresses me. Part of how I am taking charge of that is dealing with the hormonal imbalance through supplements and exercise and eating right, and part of that is using my outlet- which is why I decided to post this. 

I started thinking about how much is asked of women. Be smart, be funny, be active, be fit, be beautiful, be kind, be cool, be laid back, etc. etc. We put so much pressure on ourselves to measure up to a standard that is so impossible to meet. I thought about all the hypocrisy there is around appearance between men and women, and how it seems that more and more less emphasis is placed on things that matter and are valuable and more is placed on things that are fleeting. I get angry at the examples in the media where you have men who've married WAY up (some that come to mind are TV shows with the schlep/beauty combo like King of Queens, According to Jim, Family Guy (geez, I am SOOO out of the entertainment loop), or the equal match, like Mike and Molly) or movies like Knocked Up or the Neighbors that depict the defunct man-child with the great catch. You NEVER see it the other way around. Name me one example of a ridiculously hot and driven man with a schlep woman. You won't find it. I find myself asking why I am being so ridiculous and neurotic about my body. It is a vehicle right now for incubating life and I'm having melt downs about changing clothing size. There is something SO wrong about that, and I refuse to be a slave to this type of self defeat. I'm inflicting unnecessary pressure on myself for what? So I can keep up with expectations? Psss...that's so basic. And I'm a bad b*tch. 

If I were having a little girl, I know that I would want to be an example to her for what it means to be a confident woman. Having a little boy is no exception. I want him to see me as an example of the things that really matter and raise him to believe that he should cherish a woman's heart above her body. I don't want him to have a mama who can't take a photo of herself pregnant because she doesn't want people to see how out of shape she's gotten. I want him to have healthy associations with food and activity. 

I want him to realize that women aren't heroes for posting pics of themselves in bikinis with colostomy bags, but rather are complete slaves to the need for affirmation and validation. That whole topic just infuriated me. She has the confidence now to become a model? Since when was being a model contingent on you removing enough clothing to display your device that captures your waste?! Not only that but would people have been as encouraging if she wasn't thin and beautiful? Have you ever seen a full colostomy bag? It's not pretty. Google that, because I can't even bring myself to post it. I have zero desire to see that on the beach, no matter how much you've done to come to terms with your Crohn's. If we were hailing her for dealing with her Crohn's and coping with the damaging effects of it, that would be one thing. But we are celebrating her in a bikini. Wow. Congratulations, you just aspired to be pretty. To take a good picture. I don't think you're a hero, sorry.

Oh, cool- I see your poops

Does that leave weird tan lines?

When did wearing a one piece become such a shame? I watched a good video about the evolution of the bathing suit by Jessica Rey, founder of the "Who says it has to be itsy bitsy?" swimsuit line and movement. Here we have a beautiful thin girl who gets that the swimsuit is not about showing as much as you possibly can. There's nothing inherently wrong with a bikini. As a ridiculously long torsoed person, I prefer a bikini fit to a bathing suit for comfort reasons. But the standard has now become less. The standard is now to make it work...even if you have to buy a Fatkini. Why? Why are we doing this to ourselves? I had this conversation several times with my girlfriends as we all prepared for the 4th of July. I had friends posting their workouts and diets to get in summer shape the months leading and still stressing about their party plans because they didn't feel confident in a swimsuit. . My friend Sheena and I, after much back and forth self loathing, decided for that day that we were over it. I'd slap on my granny swimsuit and she would wear her bikini with pride. No man would be souring his party plans because he had a muffin top. Nope...he'd open another beer, grab another hot dog and tell you to get over it. So we decided to live July 4 by that mantra: WWAMD (what would a man do).

I understand being healthy. I understand wanting to be fit and feeling attractive. But our society obsesses over these things. And while there is pressure for men too, most of it is targeted to women and unrealistic expectations. There are many places to place the blame for it, but for my own accountability, I am giving up being so ridiculously hung up on something so temporary. I'll wear my elastic bands and know that I don't have to look a certain way to be happy. I've been fat. I've been thin. Thin feels better, but I'm still always chasing an elusive standard. Nothing is ever good enough and I'm never quite where I want to be. So I'm going to stop letting it run my life. 

Baby steps toward a happier me with a healthier outlook. I don't have to try so hard. Thanks Colbie Caillat.

Do you even know what you're up in arms over?

I'm extra rant-y today, so I apologize in advance. I thought I could just go about and ignore all the stupid posts I'm seeing on Facebook about the SCOTUS decision on the Hobby Lobby case or all the "feminists" in my feed declaring that we are somehow setting women back a hundred years and are on a "slippery slope" to allowing all kinds of ridiculous religious freedoms to affect our medical access by allowing this private business to "mandate" their religion on their employees. Just reading that back makes my brain hurt. On the flip side, seeing the conservative posts where people are interrupting or shaming or in some cases shouting at the opposition isn't really doing anything to help the conversation. So I decided to post about it-even if it only makes me feel better by getting it all out.

First of all, I feel like I need to preface this post with a few overshares from me, so you know where I am. I want to include this so that you have an idea on where I stand on the issue of contraception, not to validate my opinion.

• I am currently pregnant with an "oops". Let no one tell you that ANY contraception is 100% accurate, because the more I share how I thought I was the elusive 1% of a 99% effective birth control, the more I hear that this is more common than people think.
• Prior to my pregnancy, I was planning on getting a birth control implant placed in my arm as a convenience factor. The implant (with insurance) was going to cost me a total of $365. I am trying to see in what case any implant would be considered a right or necessity. I have read about a few cases of it being used to treat endometrial hyperplasia, but I would be interested to see what the statistics are on convenience vs. medical need, as well as any homeopathic or natural medicines (none of which are covered by insurance) are used to treat that condition. (Side note: I don't know how many people have seen D.O.s, but NONE of that stuff is covered by insurance, despite its effectiveness. ALL out of pocket) Many companies, other than Hobby Lobby have not covered IUDs in the past. Some only cover them partially now. 
• I have purchased Plan B a handful of times in my adult life- both from the time when you could only get it if you went to a doctor to get a prescription for it, to when it became available behind the counter. I've never had it covered by my insurance- possibly because I must be the only person on the planet that didn't know that with the Obamacare changes, it WAS even covered by my insurance. I believe it to be a great back up option and not to be an evil abortifacient. Accidents do happen, and part of purchasing a product like this is having to own that piece of yourself that decided to engage in the activity in the first place and to know that there are consequences to your actions.

For your edification, here's what Plan B is/does:

• Plan B is an EMERGENCY contraception. It is intended to be used if your birth control fails. From the site: directly, Plan B One-Step^® is emergency contraception that helps prevent pregnancy after birth control failure or unprotected sex. It is a backup method of preventing pregnancy and should not be used as regular birth control. Use as directed.
• It's about $46 at Target/Walmart/CVS/Walgreens and about $30 (plus visit coinsurance cost) at Planned Parenthood
• It works very similarly to birth control. Also directly from the site: Plan B One-Step^® is one tablet with levonorgestrel, a hormone that has been used in many birth control pills for several decades. Plan B One-Step^® contains a higher dose of levonorgestrel than birth control pills, but works in a similar way to prevent pregnancy. It works mainly by stopping the release of an egg from the ovary. It is possible that Plan B One-Step^® may also work by preventing fertilization of an egg (the uniting of sperm with the egg) or by preventing attachment (implantation) to the uterus (womb)

Here's what Plan B is NOT/doesn't do:

Plan B One-Step^® should not be used:

• As a regular birth control method, because it's not as effective as regular birth control. Because it is the equivalent of taking about 8-10 regular birth control pills, it is absolutely not safe to use as a means of birth control. Unless you like blood clots. Or strokes.
• If you are already pregnant, because it will not work. Please note that this means it will not terminate an existing pregnancy.
• If Plan B One-Step® is taken as directed, it can significantly decrease the chance that you will get pregnant. About 7 out of every 8 women who would have gotten pregnant will not become pregnant. Meaning this is not 100% effective.

Now that that's out of the way, I want to talk about some of the statements I'm seeing on Facebook that I take issue with.

You have to be careful about the positioning and wording of pictures like this. Did I miss the part where Hobby Lobby is refusing birth control coverage of any kind? There were four types of birth control at the center of Hobby Lobby’s contentions: Plan B and Ella- both emergency contraceptives, Copper Intrauterine Device and IUD with progestin — forms of birth control that some believe can cause or are akin to abortion.

I don't agree with either position on the contraception method, but I totally agree with their decision to not cover it if it goes against their beliefs. ESPECIALLY since they are still covering some form of birth control.
National Review has provided a list of all of the drugs and procedures that Hobby Lobby employees can still take advantage of free of charge — including oral birth control:

• Female condoms
• Male condoms
• Diaphragms with spermicide
• Sponges with spermicide
• Cervical caps with spermicide
• Spermicide alone
• Birth-control pills with estrogen and progestin (“Combined Pill)
• Birth-control pills with progestin alone (“The Mini Pill)
• Birth control pills (extended/continuous use)
• Contraceptive patches
• Contraceptive rings
• Progestin injections
• Implantable rods Dude! That's what I wanted to get!
• Vasectomies
• Female sterilization surgeries
• Female sterilization implants

That still sounds like Hobby Lobby will cover conventional birth control, which makes these next two common catchphrases seem very irrelevant:

"Well I hope they have a good maternity plan then, since this will result in unwanted pregnancies!" 

How so? If you can choose from those other 16 options or pay for one of the other 4 on your own, if you turn up pregnant, I have to wonder how they are at fault.

"This is totally unfair for those women who cannot afford birth control or need it for other reasons. News flash- birth control is used for the treatment of other medical conditions such as acne, hormonal imbalance, and endometriosis"

News flash- you can still get the kind of birth control that treats this. Last I read, Plan B and Ella were not used to treat any of these conditions and I would love to see the statistics on the number of IUDs (referencing my thought above) prescribed as the sole option for any of these conditions. Additionally, as I mentioned before, natural treatments (like the progesterone cream and other homeopathic treatments I was taking for my own hormonal imbalance) are not covered by insurance either.

On the note of purchasing Plan B or Ella ($40-$50), since when is an emergency contraception treatment a woman's sole responsibility? If you can't afford to purchase that on your own, then why in the world are you not asking the other culpable party (the man) to help you with the cost of preventing an unwanted pregnancy? If you think it is somehow feminist and liberating to do it on your own, then you are missing the empowerment of being able to have a grown up discussion with someone who should be equally responsible in the contraception conversation. Just as protection is no one party's responsibility (i.e. women should also keep condoms on hand to take charge of their protection), any emergency situation should be discussed between the two.

If you'll read the small print, you'll see the other major concern that this is a "slippery slope" to the liberties that will be taken on religious freedoms and that a corporation is not a person and is not protected by the First Amendment. Matt Walsh wrote a far more involved piece on this than I did, but I would add that even within the Christian Scientists spectrum, the thoughts on medical care are varied. As this article from the Denver Post quotes:

"Our church does not require us to use prayer only," Van Vleck said. "Our church does not punish us for getting a bone set or receiving any kind of medical treatment. It's the individual's choice. Such treatment could be a temporary means, a step, that enables someone to take the next step to complete reliance on God."

I had no idea that everyone was an expert on how these different religions would choose to run a business or what they are even willing to push back to the supreme court about. I can't seem to locate the media attention around a Jehovah's Witness owned business who is also going  to the Supreme Court to fight against covering blood transfusions- which I ALSO didn't even know was an a-la-carte option in health coverage! Crazy. Knowing this now, I'll be sure to schedule my weekly blood transfusion since it's covered by insurance...for now.

I also saw this SomeeCard that was amended from the famous Birth Control: Not my Boss' Business signs that protesters held:

Mostly because I think the implication is one that says Hobby Lobby- who is apparently employing half of Facebook these days- is trying to regulate their use of birth control. Which they aren't. And I hate to point out the obvious, but when you go to work for a company- you accept their benefits package, PTO policies, employee hand books and any other conditions that they have because (in full contradiction to this slogan) IT IS THEIR BUSINESS and they can run it how they see fit. If you don't like it, you don't have to work there. I doubt Hobby Lobbys are the "food desert" of employment. If there's only one establishment to work in town, I doubt it's an arts and crafts store. I would probably think that their decision to go into market is based on the population base and would really never be the only place people could work. But people are working for them, probably in part because their starting pay is 190% of minimum wage. But you don't get to have it both ways- if you want to work for a great company who offers great pay, you get what comes with that company. If this polarizing birth control alternative coverage is THAT important to you, you are free to choose an employer who covers the plan, or go part time and enroll in Obamacare. I doubt any management in Hobby Lobby is checking to make sure you aren't taking any birth control. They are simply saying they don't want to cover these 4. And why shouldn't they be allowed to make that compromise?!

When I was in college, my parents didn't want me to work. And they provided me a monthly salary to live off of. I didn't like that it wasn't as much as I wanted and I didn't like that they got to weigh in on my activities, but as they explained, "If you are under our financial umbrella, we get to make the rules. If you don't want to be under those rules, you need to be under your own financial umbrella." So that's what I did- no way, man- I want to do what I want to do! So I got a job and started living how I wanted to live. This is exactly the case with Hobby Lobby. You want Plan B or an IUD? Pay for it. What the heck is so hard to understand about that?

I am most amused at the fact that people can't actually articulate what it is they are protesting. I think the funniest example of this was on this video from the madworld blog.

I realize that this is conservative, but it's a good example of why it's important to know what you are arguing before you do it. Same for the right- dear Lawd, let the woman talk so you can have a rational discussion that may force someone to think! Do you realize how dumb this makes you seem- even if you're right?

I think ultimately, I really wish both sides understood what they were opposing and how to do that in a logical way. I think part of the way to effectively get your point across is to at the very least LISTEN to what the other side is saying, and then counter it with your thoughts/possible support. Blindly yelling talking points...on either side...is asinine.

Trust me- I'm more than willing to have a calm and rational conversation about it and say, "You know what? I haven't thought about that from that point." Having said that, I don't want someone coming at me telling me that any thought is trash just because it comes from a certain news source. I don't do that when I look at debates- there can be valuable information from any source. Just know your stuff! Make rational points! It's not difficult.