How to have an amazing Key West vacation

So, as promised, I’m giving you a full “Emily” recap of my trip to Key West this weekend. Key West was absolutely amazing, and I’m SO blessed that I was able to go spend time with my favorite person in paradise. I hadn’t been on a vacation since 2010, so I have been counting down the days since July when P decided we should go to celebrate Labor Day and his b-day, which was on the 29th. That kid- he’s so sweet. He did SO much pre-planning (he’d been once before, though he rarely left Duval Street) to make sure we experienced everything we could while we were there. He even made me an itinerary, complete with dress code to help me pack. Swoon, ladies- he’s a keeper!


30-Aug 7:15pm Hotel Check-in Westin Key West Resort
30-Aug 8:45pm Dinner Lattitudes (Boat Dock Westin)

31-Aug 7:00am Breakfast Harpoon Harry's -832 Caroline Street
31-Aug 8:00am Dolphin Charter Tour (T) Wild About Dolphins
31-Aug 12:00am Dolphin Charter Tour (T) Lunch Provided
31-Aug 2:30pm Couples Massage (90 Minutes) Prana Spa
31-Aug 6:30pm Charter Sunset Cruise 201 Williams Street/Key West Historic Seaport

1-Sep 8:00am Breakfast La Creperie - 300 Petronia Street
1-Sep 9:00am Bike Tour (2.5 Hours) Key Lime Bike Tours - Corner of Simonton and Greene Street
1-Sep 1:15pm Lunch Paseo Restaurant - 1000 Eaton Street
1-Sep 3:15pm Key West Aquarium/Walkabout Tour Hemingway House Possible
1-Sep 7:30pm Dinner/Dessert Better than Sex

2-Sep 8:30am Breakfast Cuban Coffee Queen - 284 Margaret Street

I’m going to recap in the lazy way because...well...I’m lazy. That, and I realize your attention span is probably as short as mine and you don’t really need a dissertation of each day- but many of you were asking for recommendations on things to do, and I’ll share with you what I experienced and what I heard from locals/other travelers.

Day 1: Check in and dinner at Lattitudes

We stayed at the Westin Key West Resort, which is about as close to the ocean as you can get. We had a beautiful ocean view and my sweetie even had champagne and strawberries waiting for us when we got there. Our room faced the marina where the big cruise ships come to port, so on our last day, we got to see one up close. Those things are massive!

Westin Key West Resort

Pros: The Westin is, of course, really nice and as a guest you have access to purchase a day pass to the private beach at Sunset Key- which is where all the fancy pants people stay and live. (Seriously...how could anyone stomach a 6.5K HOA fee monthly?! Who are these people?!) We didn’t have a chance to go to the beach because we made some last minute changes to the plan, but we did pass it and it is very nice and would be a nice perk as a guest.

The location is great! You’re right next to Mallory Square- where you can catch the sunset and see all the street performers and vendors at night, next to the old customs house which is now a museum, next to the shipwreck museum and the Key West Aquarium, and walking distance to the Seaport and Duval street- which is the Bourbon Street of Key West.

Cons: If you are just looking for a place to lay your head, this is a bit pricey. However, on our bike tour, our guide Chris and the two girls we met from Miami said Albury Court Hotel was nice and affordable and we passed Lighthouse Court- which was right across from Hemmingway’s house and looked pretty dang cool. I may look into that for next time.

Lattitudes

Pros: Holy yumtastic fat kid food, Batman- this place was AMAZING. The ambiance is incredible- we sat outside under the torches in the most romantic vision ever. I was so impressed by everything- from the architecture of the building itself to the light up menu. Seriously, I totally geeked out. We didn’t make it for sunset, so we missed the gorgeous view of the sun setting over the Gulf of Mexico, but that didn’t matter at all. The food is phenomenal. I need to know where I can acquire a vat of jalapeno mango butter...I want to put it on everything. The cocktails were delicious too. We had prosciutto wrapped shrimp as an appetizer, and I had Parmesan crusted scallops over mushroom risotto. And a key lime martini. Yeah, clearly my diet went out the window as soon as we landed...no prob Bob it was WELL worth it.

Cons: You need a reservation, so plan ahead. Also, the ferry picks you up for your reservation, so be sure you arrive on time. And try not to die from shock when you get the bill. This is the adult version of YOLO, so just eat it!

Day 2: Dolphins and dreadlocks

We were supposed to get up and go to Harpoon Harry’s for breakfast, but man...morning came early. Side note: I didn’t sleep past 7 any day of my vacation. I’m pretty sure that’s a sign that I’m getting old. We forewent sleeping in to do all the things! So instead, we ordered room service (EEK, can we add the price of that to the “con” list, please?!) so that we could catch a cab over to the dolphin adventure.

Wild About Dolphins- Key West Harbor Marina

Pros: This is a really small tour group- I think their maximum is 8 passengers. Our guide, George, was an adorable Cuban man who was super chill and really knowledgeable. You meet at the harbor and jump in the boat, where they take you around and tell you all about the resident dolphin pod Key West is home to. We were avoiding some storm cells and did our snorkeling first, before we went in search of dolphins. Snorkeling was something I’d never done before, so it took me a minute to get acclimated to that. I kept holding my breath and clenching my teeth like a crazy lady. Once I finally relaxed I was able to start enjoying the swim. We saw lots of fish, a few sting rays (including one HUGE one under the sand) and a bunch of coral and sponges. It was a little overcast, so we were thankful that the water was really calm, because it helped our visibility. After the swim, we got back onto the boat to a snack of pitas, hummus, and veggies (thanks to George) and got underway to go in search of dolphins. We were lucky enough to see 2 dolphins breach and 2 came right up to the boat! Fun fact: dolphins turn off half their brain while they sleep and the other half remains on. Many of the dolphins we saw were actually sleeping. How friggin cool is that!? Although we didn’t take advantage of it, Wild about Dolphins offer a private day pass for our guests to the super exclusive club and bar. NO TIME! THERE’S NEVER ANY TIME!

Cons: It’s hard to predict wild dolphins, and I think I was expecting to see more than we actually saw. 20 out of 200 ain’t bad though!

Prana Spa- Couples Massage

All pros, no cons! Such a cute spa, kind of tucked away. I mean, when is a massage NOT great? On our way over to the spa, we passed a vendor for FURY sports who yelled, “10% off for Texans!” (Patrick was wearing a Rangers shirt). We found out he was originally from Ft. Worth, and he talked us into changing our plans to go to the Aquarium to a 4 hour catamaran, kayak, and snorkeling adventure. We had originally just wanted to go on the kayak eco-tour, but it was sold out. But we were excited just the same. Double win! Don’t just pass the booths- take a look! You might find an adventure you want to go on.

Sunset Cruise

Pros: While waiting at the harbor to board, we saw a water spout! Let me just say, that is pretty epic! I mean, seriously- what are the odds? The cruise included a buffet and booze, so it’s a pretty good deal. There was also a pretty cool steel drum player who gave us some...interesting renditions of theme songs, Michael Jackson, and even Led Zepplin.

Cons: This was a huge boat and a ton of people, so it felt really “tourist-y”. I’m also not a huge fan of a buffet line. It’s my inner snob, or maybe the fact that we had peaked at Lattitudes the night before. I don’t like crowds, and I really liked the small feel of the earlier dolphin tour. I’m spoiled, really.

Day 3: Tampon Commercial Activities day

I mean, truly- we were SO busy on day 3. Poor P was exhausted, but we got up at the crack of dawn again and headed over to Harpoon Harry’s for breakfast.

Harpoon Harry’s

Pros: Affordable, quick, and adorable environment.

Cons: It’s a bit of a walk from the resort, but it was close to where we were meeting for the bike tour

Key Lime Bike Tours

Pros: SO. MUCH. FUN. I was kind of skeptical about a bike tour, but I’m SO glad we did this. Once again, our group was really small- it was just us and 2 girls from Miami and Chris- our largely entertaining guide. Chris was nursing his hangover from Brewfest the day before and a night of karaoke, but he was ready to go. This guide is not really on a strict pace, so we were able to go a few blocks and then get an in depth history from Chris on the location we stopped at. He might have been making half of it up (kidding!), but I don’t even care. He was a great guide and this felt just like chillin’ with a local and getting a behind the scenes look at Key West. I learned a lot on the tour, and I had a great time. If we come back, I would likely rent a bike- that’s a great way to get around!

Cons: We had to rush off to get ready for our next adventure, but I would have liked to stay and hang with Chris and the girls as they went over to Kermit’s for a key lime pie slice. P and I got one later (dipped in chocolate on a stick...um, yeah that happened), but I really enjoyed the company. This is a 4 hour trip too, so if you are packing a ton of things in your day, you might skip this one.

Javacat Eco Tours

Pros: Again, this was an intimate group. The max is 6 out on the boat, so it feels so much less tourist-y. Our guide, John was a total hippie and he was cracking me up. People in Key West really live the “No shoes, no shirt, no problems” lifestyle. There’s a lot of semi-retired folks with ponytails and a completely laid-back style. John was no exception, and coincidentally...Patrick does a dead on impression now. We went out to the Gulf waters to kayak and snorkel. Kayaking was the best. We went along the mangroves and saw all the budding sea life. As soon as we got there, hippie John pulls up a horseshoe crab and lets us all hold it. Google that thing- it’s insane! We got to kayak inside the mangrove and see all the cool creatures inside the roots. It felt like I was in an episode of Planet Earth. I learned SO much, yet again. On the back half of the kayak trip, we even saw a bald eagle and a brown pelican- both of which were returning for fall. A bald. Eagle. ‘MERICA! We went snorkeling after this and John got in the water and pointed out a moray eel and a spiny lobster for us. I was much more comfortable snorkeling this time around and was able to enjoy the long stretch of just floating along. When we got back on the boat, John had made snacks for us- pineapple, curried chicken salad, pasta salad, cucumbers- all part of the tour.

Cons: I wish I had taken a camera so I could have documented this trip better. What the heck is wrong with me? Say it together...waterproof camera! ANNND go!This is a 4 hour trip, like the bikes- but like the bikes, it’s well worth it.

Dinner- Turtle Kraal’s

Pros: Chris (Key Lime) had told us this place had a good happy hour, so P and I stopped in for appetizers and drinks...even though we had just had snacks on the boat not long before. But c’mon...happy hour! I love mojitos and mojitos in Key West are DURRICIOUS! We each got 2 drinks, some pumpkin potato skins, ribs, 50 cent oysters, and conch fritters (fat kid alert!) all for less than we had paid for breakfast the day before at the resort. Plus, we got to watch our waiter troll a snotty table next to us. WINNING.

Cons: I ate like a super fat kid. Even though I knew we were going to Better Than Sex later that night. Fail.

Mallory Square

We stopped into Mallory Square to watch the sunset and see the street performers and vendors. Each performer has to audition for the city and draws straws to secure their place on the square. The vendors are all local and most hand-craft their items. The guy with no teeth who weaves the coconut baskets is super talented, albeit weird. The sunset was gorgeous as expected and the performers were great. I could have spent even more time here, but clearly- we had more to do. I mean, could we possibly cram any more into a single day?

Better Than Sex- A dessert bar

Pros: Red Velvet Cheesecake with cream cheese frosting, and strawberry ale in a chocolate rimmed glass. Yes, it is better than sex. I normally can’t taste what makes red velvet different, but this cheesecake had just the right hint of berry to make that distinction for me. Patrick had an apple cider in a caramel rimmed glass and a cookie nookie pie- which was a gooey warm chocolate chip cookie, chocolate pieces and pecans wrapped up in pie crust and served with a vanilla bean ice cream. It’s super dark in there, so we got light up menus again, and there were some risqué conversation starter questions at each table to help stimulate conversation.

Cons: Obviously, if you’re offended by dessert names like Tongue Bath Truffle or drinks like Matty’s Money Shot, then you should probably not go. But if you aren’t all uptight and prude and you want to eat a bunch of delectable goodies, make a reservation and go. Make a reservation! Urban Spoon it or Open Table. Do NOT show up without a reservation. We watched like 13 groups get told there was more than a 2 hour wait at 9:15. And they close at midnight. So plan ahead, and then go!

Day 4: Finally sleeping in

 

We didn’t get up and go to Cuban Coffee Queen in the morning like we said we were going to. We were beat by then! But definitely go to Cuban Coffee Queen (Chris’ (the Key Lime Bike guy) wife Michelle manages it). Get a photo op with the big Key West post card on the side of the building.

Other places I’ve heard are good and/or am putting on my bucket list of places to go:

Eateries
La Creperie- breakfast - is in the black bohemian neighborhood (which is super cool) and I want to eat all the things
Cuban Coffee Queen- breakfast – great photo op with post card
Blue Haven – breakfast- Kenny Chesney favorite/iconic
Seven Fish- Hear it’s delish!

Debauchery
Rick’s
Garden of Eden – apparent “clothing optional” bar on Duval
Sloppy Joe’s – every time we passed, this place was hoppin!
Irish Kevin’s

Adventure 
Kayak eco tour
Dry Tortugas (all day event- Ft. Jefferson)
Jet ski tour
Parasailing

I should have been a product tester.

Disclaimer: This post is probably only going to benefit my lady friends. Sorry dudes...just come back another time for a better post.


I LOOOOOVE trying new beauty products and supplements. I swear, if someone told me to slather duck semen on my face because it would make me glow- I'd probably try it. I can't help myself- I'm vain and I like experiments. So I'll occasionally run past a recommendation on the interwebs about something that is supposed to work and as long as it isn't too expensive I'll try it. It's actually a really fun little hobby. Expensive and potentially dangerous given the FDA's loose standards. But I'll tell you what- I have found some GEMS.

Which brings me to today's post. Product overviews by Emily Spinney. You're welcome.

Viviscal

What it's for: I think technically it is for women who are losing their hair, but I read somewhere that this will help your hair grow faster and thicker and since it is still not socially acceptable for a white girl to sport a weave, I decided to give it a go.
Cost: About $30 a month (if you can find a deal on Amazon)
Does it work?: HELL YEAH! I wish I had taken a before/after picture so you can see how much my hair has grown in just the past month. Not only that, but it feels thicker and is styling better. If you want to grow out your hair and you're impatient, try this. If the dudes are still reading, they have a male version of this. Better than Rogaine. Frealz.

Oil Cleanser (I use this one: http://www.etsy.com/listing/22547787/amazing-face-cleansing-oil-4-oz?ref=shop_home_active)

What it's for: So I read about oil cleansing as a way to clear up acne (you know, because I have so much) and make your skin more even. I have ridiculously dry skin, and my breakouts are stubborn and scar my face, so I figured I would try this and see if it worked. It's supposed to help clear your pores and soften fine lines, so you know I was immediately sold.
Cost: $12 (and this stuff lasts foreeeever)
Does it work?: Yes, but it's kind of a pain to get used to the regimen, and it takes about a month to see results. You essentially use it to take off your makeup and then use a piping hot towel to steam it off your face. For the first few uses, you're going to feel like your face is kind of oily, even though it isn't. Plus, I really never got used to the piping hot towel. Having said that, it does give your face a really pretty glow and it really does last a long time. Unintended benefit: washing off your makeup with olive oil helps your lashes grow.

Acne Free Severe Kit

What it's for: Well, that's pretty self explanitory right? This seems like a contradiction to the above product, but the oil cleansing takes a lot of getting used to and I wanted something to work immediately because I'm impatient.
Cost: $30
Does it work?: Yes- it burns a little if you have sensitive skin, but not only will this clear anything on your face up, but it will help fade sun spots and dark marks on your face. Con: it will totally bleach a spray tan off and your face will be an entirely different color than your body. Which can be good if you're going for that...

TruNature Liver Health Complex

What it's for: You'd be surprised at how important it is to have a fully functioning liver. Like, even if you THINK you have a functioning liver- you're probably underestimating what your weekends of vodka waters are doing to it. ANY time I drink I have a 2 day hangover. Seriously, it's miserable. Additionally, I always have chapped lips and after Web MDing myself into thinking I was dying, I read that it is a sign of a compromised liver. So I decided to try taking a supplement to help diffuse the effects of my alcoholism give my immune system a boost.
Cost: $20
Does it work?: This might be one of the best supplements I've ever taken. No more 2 day hangovers, no more chapped lips, increased energy, and it's practically like being on a cleanse. This totally works. Taking a pill twice a day (Man, I'm racking up the pills...) kind of makes me feel like an old lady, but it's worth it.



So there you have it. Random, I know- but I just thought I'd share these nuggets of amazing with you. On that note, if there's anything you want me to try, I'll TOTALLY try it!

The more boys I meet...

So I've moved on past the mourning stage and into the angry stage. I love the angry stage. It's very liberating. It's when you blast all your Beyonce and keep going over and over all the horrible qualities of the person you just got dumped by- thus making you feel invincible and powerful. I AM SASHA FIERCE! The angry stage is also a great place to pick up men. Men are attracted to your Sasha Fierce "can do" attitude. Now, you're no longer convinced you're going to die alone and be eaten by your 35 cats, but you also aren't ready to move on and date any of the schmucks you're getting asked out by. I mean, do they WANT to be chewed up and spit out? You couldn't possibly move on the way your ex is- that would just be too rational and easy (and the fact that you're stalking his FB page enough to know he is moving on is just more evidence that you're still the same bag of crazy you were two weeks ago), so you invent reasons to hate him and all men. Because hate is the only emotion that can mask sadness. It's fucking science.

The angry stage is where you belt Carrie Underwood's "The More Boys I Meet" and realize she is singing the very fabric of your dating life. HOW DOES SHE KNOW!? And you feel inspired to describe in detail all of the shortcomings of the opposite sex to anyone who'll listen. Don't be mad- during the "mourning phase" I did more than enough finger pointing to myself...I can have a little bash sesh. So without further adieu, let the airing of grievances commence.

Disclaimer: All similarities to actual life events/people are merely coincidental and may or may not be fully thought out. Anger's a hell of a drug.

The Blast From The Past
It's like this guy was WAITING for any sign that you were single again, only to conveniently call you to ask how you are the week after your breakup. Oh, yeah, I'm just supposed to believe that I randomly ran across your mind after a year and that it is completely innocent. The BFTP can be completely innocuous, or that predatory guy who has spidey senses for when you are vulnerable and wants to jump on any opportunity he can to benefit himself with your mourning phase. The latter piss me off more than the innocent ones. Because they can tell when your self esteem is in the toilet and under the guise of wanting to "be there for you" and next thing you know, you have another item to add to the list of regrets. Not having it.

The Friend
This is the guy who has been waiting in the wings to tell you how much he cares for you and is there if you need him. Then BAM- he tries to assault your face. DUDE- I need some time before I can even decide if I want to be with someone again, much less a friend who I'd hate to ruin a friendship with. That's a pretty big leap- from friendship to dating. Let's not compromise the fact that I like you, but I don't know if I "like you, like you" because you see an "in" to dating me. So essentially, not only do am I single, but now my support group is predatory. Thanks a lot Obama.

The Challenger
This fellow is only interested in one thing- winning! He can beat your issues, he can make you believe in men again...he wants to charm his way into your life. Dude- how many more red flags can I hold up until you back off?  Persistence is one thing, but now I'm just saying stuff to see how far I can take this and you still not back off. He's only asking you about your break up and guy wish list so that he can put it in his playbook of how to win you over. WOW! Just what I always wanted- a lemming!

I'm sure there are others, but I can't think of them right now. I'm just going to seethe in anger.

Side note: I'm writing a book. Why? I don't know- it's probably some sort of cathartic effort as I head into 30. I know I'm not the only woman who is still single, yet completely fabulous. I'm not hoping to self-help anyone. It's really more a way for me to get out all of the things that I want to share with everyone so that they don't feel like they are the only women in the world dealing with neurotic shit. Plus, I can't seem to keep up the blog, so let's just go big, right?

Whatever. Someone get me a punching bag.

Where do I even start?

I am a complete mess today. About a week ago, I sent a text message to Justin asking if he wanted to still be with me- a text that I have come to deeply regret. At first he did the, “Where is this coming from? Of course I do.” thing, but he then decided that he really wanted some space to figure out what he wants.

Cue my picking: What does that mean? Are we together? Do you want to just break up? Isn’t this a breakup with training wheels? How do you not know what you want? Etc. Etc. Etc. So we ended it. And now I’ll never know if we were just having a rough patch and could have come out the other side or if I just ruined another relationship by pushing.

All I know is that I literally feel like a piece of me is missing. Yeah, the last couple of months haven’t been good. But when it was good it was great. He said he’d just stopped feeling a spark and that it just felt like hanging out with a friend. That’s me to a T: great at friendship, horrible at relationships.  How do you wake up one day and just not love someone anymore? The answer is you don’t. You just never loved that person to begin with.

When I think about what I want in a relationship- I picture me and my person on a beach- trying to clear a trench that’s constantly being filled by a rising tide.  I don’t know why we’re assigned this task...don’t ask silly questions, just go with it.  Scratch that... we can go with building a sand castle too close to the tide if you’d rather. The castle is your life together, and the tide filling is up is the never-ending stuff that plagues your relationship: monotony, temptation, work, stress, change, friends, family, romance...all of it. When you first start dating, it’s easy to build your castle crisp and clear. Add a moat! Don’t forget a media room! I'mma need a man cave in here somewhere.  It’s like the tide is at the lowest and there’s room for you to laugh and play and dump a bucket of sand on the other’s head. It’s like a scene out of a frickin' Disney movie. Cue the montage music! The qualities of the person you picture yourself with are what you specifically need to make that work seem worth it. For me, it’s:

·         A hard worker- I don’t want to be the only one with a bucket, carving out and inventing new ways to build.

·         A sharer- what did you always want to add to your castle? What have you tried before that you know just does not make sense?

·         Someone who takes initiative- hmmm...this isn’t working well- why don’t we try to do it this way

·         Someone who is patient- I know you’re over there pitching a fit about your broken handle, but I’m here with you and we’ll make this work- look, we’ll turn the kitchen into a bowling alley- who needs a kitchen anyway?

·         Someone who makes me laugh- I mean, if you can’t laugh, you’d cry at how overwhelmed you can get, right?

·         Someone who knows what they want- I have blueprints that I’ve been amending over the years, and I know what plans suck and what plans have pieces of what I need.

But as the tide rolls in, it is more important to work together to keep enough space for there to be room for you to continue to build and repair and expand. Otherwise what’s the point? Justin checked out after the holidays and I was building the castle myself. And the tide just kept pressing in and wearing down what we’d built. Since I was clinging to the possibility of a great castle- I was yelling at him to pick up his shovel and do something. “Shape, you bastard! Shape! Bring me a bucket!” But that just kept pushing him further and further down the beach, until eventually, all I had left was a shovel, some keys and a phone charger to return...and him walking out of my life forever.

I always tend to assign myself the lion’s share of the blame when one of my relationships end. I just want someone to love me and for it to be my turn to dance around my castle, celebrating all of the secret doorways and pennants that make it uniquely ours and make others wonder how we did it.

It just gets so hard to hear the same thing over and over. Everyone loves the highlight reel. Everyone loves being my friend. But why can’t I find someone who just loves me?

I’ll just be here kicking at sand for the next few weeks...

Back and less depressing

Happy 2013! Yeah, that just happened...and while I'm at it, Happy Valentines Day too- because Lord knows when the next time I post will be. I mean, I have this fabulous track record and all. I re-read all my 2012 posts and I'm really glad I didn't end up hanging from my shower rod in December. I was all kinds of depressing. I'm just a bitter, angry person- what can I say?

I blame the weight gain. All that squeezing into clothing cuts the circulation to your brain and makes you irritable. I'll just go ahead and give you a quick update on 2013 thus far:

Job- still doing whatever this is until they tell me to stop. My assignment ends 2/21 and unless they extend it, my severance will kick in. Do I care? Of course! Can I do anything about it...not really- so I'm just plugging along until they tell me to stop coming in. I'll be like Milton, working from the basement and harassing payroll about the "error" they made in not paying me.

Relationship- still with JW, and no we still haven't talked about anything serious yet. I make a much better parent than I do a girlfriend though- and we all know every man dreams of marrying the girl who nags him non-stop.

Bridget Jones appearance rant- still fat, redheaded and in dire need of a tan, Botox, and teeth whitening. But my nails look nice. It really does cost a lot of money for me not to look like a complete mess, and I can't afford it. Good thing that JW likes a hideous nag! Man, I sure bait and switched him, didn't I? SUCKER!

Things I've learned so far:

• Only old ladies and me get BPPV.
• Chiropractors are awesome.
• I still refuse to help people move.*
• B12 shots are the tits.
• Viviscal supposedly makes your hair grow thicker and stronger. (We'll see about THAT, Marie Osmond)
• On that note, I should have been a beauty blogger...
• How to apply false lashes without ruining a full face of makeup. TA DA!

* I got a FB invite for one of my friends "annual" moving party. That in itself is why I won't help you move. We are not in college, and you are not destitute- so giving up a Friday evening to help you move your shit when you can hire movers (or hell, get FREE movers from an apartment locator) in exchange for beer and pizza (which I shouldn't eat: see Bridget Jones appearance rant) is not exactly appealing to me. The amount of times that you move at this age is completely staggering anyway, and I don't think it's cool to call on your friends over and over and over. Call me a bitch, but I don't want to drag your end tables (because really, we both know that's all I can carry and you really just want to enlist the help of my boyfriend-who can ACTUALLY move things like your washer and dryer-to help) up 3 flights of stairs.

I need a good rant.

Suggestions?