The more boys I meet...

So I've moved on past the mourning stage and into the angry stage. I love the angry stage. It's very liberating. It's when you blast all your Beyonce and keep going over and over all the horrible qualities of the person you just got dumped by- thus making you feel invincible and powerful. I AM SASHA FIERCE! The angry stage is also a great place to pick up men. Men are attracted to your Sasha Fierce "can do" attitude. Now, you're no longer convinced you're going to die alone and be eaten by your 35 cats, but you also aren't ready to move on and date any of the schmucks you're getting asked out by. I mean, do they WANT to be chewed up and spit out? You couldn't possibly move on the way your ex is- that would just be too rational and easy (and the fact that you're stalking his FB page enough to know he is moving on is just more evidence that you're still the same bag of crazy you were two weeks ago), so you invent reasons to hate him and all men. Because hate is the only emotion that can mask sadness. It's fucking science.

The angry stage is where you belt Carrie Underwood's "The More Boys I Meet" and realize she is singing the very fabric of your dating life. HOW DOES SHE KNOW!? And you feel inspired to describe in detail all of the shortcomings of the opposite sex to anyone who'll listen. Don't be mad- during the "mourning phase" I did more than enough finger pointing to myself...I can have a little bash sesh. So without further adieu, let the airing of grievances commence.

Disclaimer: All similarities to actual life events/people are merely coincidental and may or may not be fully thought out. Anger's a hell of a drug.

The Blast From The Past
It's like this guy was WAITING for any sign that you were single again, only to conveniently call you to ask how you are the week after your breakup. Oh, yeah, I'm just supposed to believe that I randomly ran across your mind after a year and that it is completely innocent. The BFTP can be completely innocuous, or that predatory guy who has spidey senses for when you are vulnerable and wants to jump on any opportunity he can to benefit himself with your mourning phase. The latter piss me off more than the innocent ones. Because they can tell when your self esteem is in the toilet and under the guise of wanting to "be there for you" and next thing you know, you have another item to add to the list of regrets. Not having it.

The Friend
This is the guy who has been waiting in the wings to tell you how much he cares for you and is there if you need him. Then BAM- he tries to assault your face. DUDE- I need some time before I can even decide if I want to be with someone again, much less a friend who I'd hate to ruin a friendship with. That's a pretty big leap- from friendship to dating. Let's not compromise the fact that I like you, but I don't know if I "like you, like you" because you see an "in" to dating me. So essentially, not only do am I single, but now my support group is predatory. Thanks a lot Obama.

The Challenger
This fellow is only interested in one thing- winning! He can beat your issues, he can make you believe in men again...he wants to charm his way into your life. Dude- how many more red flags can I hold up until you back off?  Persistence is one thing, but now I'm just saying stuff to see how far I can take this and you still not back off. He's only asking you about your break up and guy wish list so that he can put it in his playbook of how to win you over. WOW! Just what I always wanted- a lemming!

I'm sure there are others, but I can't think of them right now. I'm just going to seethe in anger.

Side note: I'm writing a book. Why? I don't know- it's probably some sort of cathartic effort as I head into 30. I know I'm not the only woman who is still single, yet completely fabulous. I'm not hoping to self-help anyone. It's really more a way for me to get out all of the things that I want to share with everyone so that they don't feel like they are the only women in the world dealing with neurotic shit. Plus, I can't seem to keep up the blog, so let's just go big, right?

Whatever. Someone get me a punching bag.