I should have been a product tester.

Disclaimer: This post is probably only going to benefit my lady friends. Sorry dudes...just come back another time for a better post.


I LOOOOOVE trying new beauty products and supplements. I swear, if someone told me to slather duck semen on my face because it would make me glow- I'd probably try it. I can't help myself- I'm vain and I like experiments. So I'll occasionally run past a recommendation on the interwebs about something that is supposed to work and as long as it isn't too expensive I'll try it. It's actually a really fun little hobby. Expensive and potentially dangerous given the FDA's loose standards. But I'll tell you what- I have found some GEMS.

Which brings me to today's post. Product overviews by Emily Spinney. You're welcome.

Viviscal

What it's for: I think technically it is for women who are losing their hair, but I read somewhere that this will help your hair grow faster and thicker and since it is still not socially acceptable for a white girl to sport a weave, I decided to give it a go.
Cost: About $30 a month (if you can find a deal on Amazon)
Does it work?: HELL YEAH! I wish I had taken a before/after picture so you can see how much my hair has grown in just the past month. Not only that, but it feels thicker and is styling better. If you want to grow out your hair and you're impatient, try this. If the dudes are still reading, they have a male version of this. Better than Rogaine. Frealz.

Oil Cleanser (I use this one: http://www.etsy.com/listing/22547787/amazing-face-cleansing-oil-4-oz?ref=shop_home_active)

What it's for: So I read about oil cleansing as a way to clear up acne (you know, because I have so much) and make your skin more even. I have ridiculously dry skin, and my breakouts are stubborn and scar my face, so I figured I would try this and see if it worked. It's supposed to help clear your pores and soften fine lines, so you know I was immediately sold.
Cost: $12 (and this stuff lasts foreeeever)
Does it work?: Yes, but it's kind of a pain to get used to the regimen, and it takes about a month to see results. You essentially use it to take off your makeup and then use a piping hot towel to steam it off your face. For the first few uses, you're going to feel like your face is kind of oily, even though it isn't. Plus, I really never got used to the piping hot towel. Having said that, it does give your face a really pretty glow and it really does last a long time. Unintended benefit: washing off your makeup with olive oil helps your lashes grow.

Acne Free Severe Kit

What it's for: Well, that's pretty self explanitory right? This seems like a contradiction to the above product, but the oil cleansing takes a lot of getting used to and I wanted something to work immediately because I'm impatient.
Cost: $30
Does it work?: Yes- it burns a little if you have sensitive skin, but not only will this clear anything on your face up, but it will help fade sun spots and dark marks on your face. Con: it will totally bleach a spray tan off and your face will be an entirely different color than your body. Which can be good if you're going for that...

TruNature Liver Health Complex

What it's for: You'd be surprised at how important it is to have a fully functioning liver. Like, even if you THINK you have a functioning liver- you're probably underestimating what your weekends of vodka waters are doing to it. ANY time I drink I have a 2 day hangover. Seriously, it's miserable. Additionally, I always have chapped lips and after Web MDing myself into thinking I was dying, I read that it is a sign of a compromised liver. So I decided to try taking a supplement to help diffuse the effects of my alcoholism give my immune system a boost.
Cost: $20
Does it work?: This might be one of the best supplements I've ever taken. No more 2 day hangovers, no more chapped lips, increased energy, and it's practically like being on a cleanse. This totally works. Taking a pill twice a day (Man, I'm racking up the pills...) kind of makes me feel like an old lady, but it's worth it.



So there you have it. Random, I know- but I just thought I'd share these nuggets of amazing with you. On that note, if there's anything you want me to try, I'll TOTALLY try it!

The more boys I meet...

So I've moved on past the mourning stage and into the angry stage. I love the angry stage. It's very liberating. It's when you blast all your Beyonce and keep going over and over all the horrible qualities of the person you just got dumped by- thus making you feel invincible and powerful. I AM SASHA FIERCE! The angry stage is also a great place to pick up men. Men are attracted to your Sasha Fierce "can do" attitude. Now, you're no longer convinced you're going to die alone and be eaten by your 35 cats, but you also aren't ready to move on and date any of the schmucks you're getting asked out by. I mean, do they WANT to be chewed up and spit out? You couldn't possibly move on the way your ex is- that would just be too rational and easy (and the fact that you're stalking his FB page enough to know he is moving on is just more evidence that you're still the same bag of crazy you were two weeks ago), so you invent reasons to hate him and all men. Because hate is the only emotion that can mask sadness. It's fucking science.

The angry stage is where you belt Carrie Underwood's "The More Boys I Meet" and realize she is singing the very fabric of your dating life. HOW DOES SHE KNOW!? And you feel inspired to describe in detail all of the shortcomings of the opposite sex to anyone who'll listen. Don't be mad- during the "mourning phase" I did more than enough finger pointing to myself...I can have a little bash sesh. So without further adieu, let the airing of grievances commence.

Disclaimer: All similarities to actual life events/people are merely coincidental and may or may not be fully thought out. Anger's a hell of a drug.

The Blast From The Past
It's like this guy was WAITING for any sign that you were single again, only to conveniently call you to ask how you are the week after your breakup. Oh, yeah, I'm just supposed to believe that I randomly ran across your mind after a year and that it is completely innocent. The BFTP can be completely innocuous, or that predatory guy who has spidey senses for when you are vulnerable and wants to jump on any opportunity he can to benefit himself with your mourning phase. The latter piss me off more than the innocent ones. Because they can tell when your self esteem is in the toilet and under the guise of wanting to "be there for you" and next thing you know, you have another item to add to the list of regrets. Not having it.

The Friend
This is the guy who has been waiting in the wings to tell you how much he cares for you and is there if you need him. Then BAM- he tries to assault your face. DUDE- I need some time before I can even decide if I want to be with someone again, much less a friend who I'd hate to ruin a friendship with. That's a pretty big leap- from friendship to dating. Let's not compromise the fact that I like you, but I don't know if I "like you, like you" because you see an "in" to dating me. So essentially, not only do am I single, but now my support group is predatory. Thanks a lot Obama.

The Challenger
This fellow is only interested in one thing- winning! He can beat your issues, he can make you believe in men again...he wants to charm his way into your life. Dude- how many more red flags can I hold up until you back off?  Persistence is one thing, but now I'm just saying stuff to see how far I can take this and you still not back off. He's only asking you about your break up and guy wish list so that he can put it in his playbook of how to win you over. WOW! Just what I always wanted- a lemming!

I'm sure there are others, but I can't think of them right now. I'm just going to seethe in anger.

Side note: I'm writing a book. Why? I don't know- it's probably some sort of cathartic effort as I head into 30. I know I'm not the only woman who is still single, yet completely fabulous. I'm not hoping to self-help anyone. It's really more a way for me to get out all of the things that I want to share with everyone so that they don't feel like they are the only women in the world dealing with neurotic shit. Plus, I can't seem to keep up the blog, so let's just go big, right?

Whatever. Someone get me a punching bag.