Thoughts on "the bod"

I just entered my 20th week of pregnancy. It's crazy to me how it is flying by and how I'm halfway done. Halfway! That is nuts to me. I ended up posting a selfie to social media to celebrate my halfway mark, and to share my burgeoning bump with my nearest and dearest. I like to keep it fun and entertaining by talking about all the stupid fruits these apps keep telling me to help me gauge the size of my baby. A banana, mango, and cantaloupe are not at all the same size, by the way. At all. So of course I went ahead and got fully dressed, sought out the most flattering lighting, and put all my strategic posing in place. Because when I look back on this time (and I know I will want to eventually), I will want to look back fondly and hopefully remind myself how silly I was being about my body image and perception.

                  It took about 10 of these:                                          To get this:

                        

Truth be told, I hate taking photos these days because I am feeling so self conscious about my body. And while I realize that I am growing a human and that I'm "supposed to gain" and I should be focused on eating healthy and staying active for the baby, I would be lying if I said that there's not pressure all around to have an adorable basketball, while gaining the least amount of weight possible. Between Pinterest, the crazy workout posts that inundate my social media feeds, and the constant scrutiny on women's bodies in general (check any insufferable rag in the grocery checkout for the latest "who got too fat during pregnancy" expose), you can really get down about your thighs rubbing together or feel guilty for craving ice cream when you know you should be eating lean protein and plenty of veggies. I guilted myself for buying maternity pants- even though I'm 20 weeks! I will note that they are the best invention ever and have done wonders for the way I feel about putting clothes on, so ultimately it was a win.

I have struggled with body image and depression throughout my adult life, and with the surge and inbalance of hormones, I am dealing with a bit of pregnancy depression  and anxiety that I am hoping to work through in the next few months. At first, it was just the horrible dreams that I was having and the constant feeling that something terrible was going to happen. I honestly would think that as soon as I "got on board" and got excited about the baby, disaster was going to strike and I would miscarry or something. While many women have these thoughts, mine wouldn't go away. I also had trouble sleeping, or would want to sleep too late, or when I got home from work- even into the 2nd trimester when I was feeling better and would have energy. My occasional irritability got worse and I noticed that I would get upset with Patrick for all kinds of things, with no solution for a win. I think the one good thing about being able to recognize depression is that when I started to see the signs, I knew it was more than just pregnancy blues. For me, the cycle is vicious and centers a lot about my self-image. I beat myself up for not being more active, and that further depresses me. Part of how I am taking charge of that is dealing with the hormonal imbalance through supplements and exercise and eating right, and part of that is using my outlet- which is why I decided to post this. 

I started thinking about how much is asked of women. Be smart, be funny, be active, be fit, be beautiful, be kind, be cool, be laid back, etc. etc. We put so much pressure on ourselves to measure up to a standard that is so impossible to meet. I thought about all the hypocrisy there is around appearance between men and women, and how it seems that more and more less emphasis is placed on things that matter and are valuable and more is placed on things that are fleeting. I get angry at the examples in the media where you have men who've married WAY up (some that come to mind are TV shows with the schlep/beauty combo like King of Queens, According to Jim, Family Guy (geez, I am SOOO out of the entertainment loop), or the equal match, like Mike and Molly) or movies like Knocked Up or the Neighbors that depict the defunct man-child with the great catch. You NEVER see it the other way around. Name me one example of a ridiculously hot and driven man with a schlep woman. You won't find it. I find myself asking why I am being so ridiculous and neurotic about my body. It is a vehicle right now for incubating life and I'm having melt downs about changing clothing size. There is something SO wrong about that, and I refuse to be a slave to this type of self defeat. I'm inflicting unnecessary pressure on myself for what? So I can keep up with expectations? Psss...that's so basic. And I'm a bad b*tch. 

If I were having a little girl, I know that I would want to be an example to her for what it means to be a confident woman. Having a little boy is no exception. I want him to see me as an example of the things that really matter and raise him to believe that he should cherish a woman's heart above her body. I don't want him to have a mama who can't take a photo of herself pregnant because she doesn't want people to see how out of shape she's gotten. I want him to have healthy associations with food and activity. 

I want him to realize that women aren't heroes for posting pics of themselves in bikinis with colostomy bags, but rather are complete slaves to the need for affirmation and validation. That whole topic just infuriated me. She has the confidence now to become a model? Since when was being a model contingent on you removing enough clothing to display your device that captures your waste?! Not only that but would people have been as encouraging if she wasn't thin and beautiful? Have you ever seen a full colostomy bag? It's not pretty. Google that, because I can't even bring myself to post it. I have zero desire to see that on the beach, no matter how much you've done to come to terms with your Crohn's. If we were hailing her for dealing with her Crohn's and coping with the damaging effects of it, that would be one thing. But we are celebrating her in a bikini. Wow. Congratulations, you just aspired to be pretty. To take a good picture. I don't think you're a hero, sorry.

Oh, cool- I see your poops

Does that leave weird tan lines?

When did wearing a one piece become such a shame? I watched a good video about the evolution of the bathing suit by Jessica Rey, founder of the "Who says it has to be itsy bitsy?" swimsuit line and movement. Here we have a beautiful thin girl who gets that the swimsuit is not about showing as much as you possibly can. There's nothing inherently wrong with a bikini. As a ridiculously long torsoed person, I prefer a bikini fit to a bathing suit for comfort reasons. But the standard has now become less. The standard is now to make it work...even if you have to buy a Fatkini. Why? Why are we doing this to ourselves? I had this conversation several times with my girlfriends as we all prepared for the 4th of July. I had friends posting their workouts and diets to get in summer shape the months leading and still stressing about their party plans because they didn't feel confident in a swimsuit. . My friend Sheena and I, after much back and forth self loathing, decided for that day that we were over it. I'd slap on my granny swimsuit and she would wear her bikini with pride. No man would be souring his party plans because he had a muffin top. Nope...he'd open another beer, grab another hot dog and tell you to get over it. So we decided to live July 4 by that mantra: WWAMD (what would a man do).

I understand being healthy. I understand wanting to be fit and feeling attractive. But our society obsesses over these things. And while there is pressure for men too, most of it is targeted to women and unrealistic expectations. There are many places to place the blame for it, but for my own accountability, I am giving up being so ridiculously hung up on something so temporary. I'll wear my elastic bands and know that I don't have to look a certain way to be happy. I've been fat. I've been thin. Thin feels better, but I'm still always chasing an elusive standard. Nothing is ever good enough and I'm never quite where I want to be. So I'm going to stop letting it run my life. 

Baby steps toward a happier me with a healthier outlook. I don't have to try so hard. Thanks Colbie Caillat.

Do you even know what you're up in arms over?

I'm extra rant-y today, so I apologize in advance. I thought I could just go about and ignore all the stupid posts I'm seeing on Facebook about the SCOTUS decision on the Hobby Lobby case or all the "feminists" in my feed declaring that we are somehow setting women back a hundred years and are on a "slippery slope" to allowing all kinds of ridiculous religious freedoms to affect our medical access by allowing this private business to "mandate" their religion on their employees. Just reading that back makes my brain hurt. On the flip side, seeing the conservative posts where people are interrupting or shaming or in some cases shouting at the opposition isn't really doing anything to help the conversation. So I decided to post about it-even if it only makes me feel better by getting it all out.

First of all, I feel like I need to preface this post with a few overshares from me, so you know where I am. I want to include this so that you have an idea on where I stand on the issue of contraception, not to validate my opinion.

• I am currently pregnant with an "oops". Let no one tell you that ANY contraception is 100% accurate, because the more I share how I thought I was the elusive 1% of a 99% effective birth control, the more I hear that this is more common than people think.
• Prior to my pregnancy, I was planning on getting a birth control implant placed in my arm as a convenience factor. The implant (with insurance) was going to cost me a total of $365. I am trying to see in what case any implant would be considered a right or necessity. I have read about a few cases of it being used to treat endometrial hyperplasia, but I would be interested to see what the statistics are on convenience vs. medical need, as well as any homeopathic or natural medicines (none of which are covered by insurance) are used to treat that condition. (Side note: I don't know how many people have seen D.O.s, but NONE of that stuff is covered by insurance, despite its effectiveness. ALL out of pocket) Many companies, other than Hobby Lobby have not covered IUDs in the past. Some only cover them partially now. 
• I have purchased Plan B a handful of times in my adult life- both from the time when you could only get it if you went to a doctor to get a prescription for it, to when it became available behind the counter. I've never had it covered by my insurance- possibly because I must be the only person on the planet that didn't know that with the Obamacare changes, it WAS even covered by my insurance. I believe it to be a great back up option and not to be an evil abortifacient. Accidents do happen, and part of purchasing a product like this is having to own that piece of yourself that decided to engage in the activity in the first place and to know that there are consequences to your actions.

For your edification, here's what Plan B is/does:

• Plan B is an EMERGENCY contraception. It is intended to be used if your birth control fails. From the site: directly, Plan B One-Step^® is emergency contraception that helps prevent pregnancy after birth control failure or unprotected sex. It is a backup method of preventing pregnancy and should not be used as regular birth control. Use as directed.
• It's about $46 at Target/Walmart/CVS/Walgreens and about $30 (plus visit coinsurance cost) at Planned Parenthood
• It works very similarly to birth control. Also directly from the site: Plan B One-Step^® is one tablet with levonorgestrel, a hormone that has been used in many birth control pills for several decades. Plan B One-Step^® contains a higher dose of levonorgestrel than birth control pills, but works in a similar way to prevent pregnancy. It works mainly by stopping the release of an egg from the ovary. It is possible that Plan B One-Step^® may also work by preventing fertilization of an egg (the uniting of sperm with the egg) or by preventing attachment (implantation) to the uterus (womb)

Here's what Plan B is NOT/doesn't do:

Plan B One-Step^® should not be used:

• As a regular birth control method, because it's not as effective as regular birth control. Because it is the equivalent of taking about 8-10 regular birth control pills, it is absolutely not safe to use as a means of birth control. Unless you like blood clots. Or strokes.
• If you are already pregnant, because it will not work. Please note that this means it will not terminate an existing pregnancy.
• If Plan B One-Step® is taken as directed, it can significantly decrease the chance that you will get pregnant. About 7 out of every 8 women who would have gotten pregnant will not become pregnant. Meaning this is not 100% effective.

Now that that's out of the way, I want to talk about some of the statements I'm seeing on Facebook that I take issue with.

You have to be careful about the positioning and wording of pictures like this. Did I miss the part where Hobby Lobby is refusing birth control coverage of any kind? There were four types of birth control at the center of Hobby Lobby’s contentions: Plan B and Ella- both emergency contraceptives, Copper Intrauterine Device and IUD with progestin — forms of birth control that some believe can cause or are akin to abortion.

I don't agree with either position on the contraception method, but I totally agree with their decision to not cover it if it goes against their beliefs. ESPECIALLY since they are still covering some form of birth control.
National Review has provided a list of all of the drugs and procedures that Hobby Lobby employees can still take advantage of free of charge — including oral birth control:

• Female condoms
• Male condoms
• Diaphragms with spermicide
• Sponges with spermicide
• Cervical caps with spermicide
• Spermicide alone
• Birth-control pills with estrogen and progestin (“Combined Pill)
• Birth-control pills with progestin alone (“The Mini Pill)
• Birth control pills (extended/continuous use)
• Contraceptive patches
• Contraceptive rings
• Progestin injections
• Implantable rods Dude! That's what I wanted to get!
• Vasectomies
• Female sterilization surgeries
• Female sterilization implants

That still sounds like Hobby Lobby will cover conventional birth control, which makes these next two common catchphrases seem very irrelevant:

"Well I hope they have a good maternity plan then, since this will result in unwanted pregnancies!" 

How so? If you can choose from those other 16 options or pay for one of the other 4 on your own, if you turn up pregnant, I have to wonder how they are at fault.

"This is totally unfair for those women who cannot afford birth control or need it for other reasons. News flash- birth control is used for the treatment of other medical conditions such as acne, hormonal imbalance, and endometriosis"

News flash- you can still get the kind of birth control that treats this. Last I read, Plan B and Ella were not used to treat any of these conditions and I would love to see the statistics on the number of IUDs (referencing my thought above) prescribed as the sole option for any of these conditions. Additionally, as I mentioned before, natural treatments (like the progesterone cream and other homeopathic treatments I was taking for my own hormonal imbalance) are not covered by insurance either.

On the note of purchasing Plan B or Ella ($40-$50), since when is an emergency contraception treatment a woman's sole responsibility? If you can't afford to purchase that on your own, then why in the world are you not asking the other culpable party (the man) to help you with the cost of preventing an unwanted pregnancy? If you think it is somehow feminist and liberating to do it on your own, then you are missing the empowerment of being able to have a grown up discussion with someone who should be equally responsible in the contraception conversation. Just as protection is no one party's responsibility (i.e. women should also keep condoms on hand to take charge of their protection), any emergency situation should be discussed between the two.

If you'll read the small print, you'll see the other major concern that this is a "slippery slope" to the liberties that will be taken on religious freedoms and that a corporation is not a person and is not protected by the First Amendment. Matt Walsh wrote a far more involved piece on this than I did, but I would add that even within the Christian Scientists spectrum, the thoughts on medical care are varied. As this article from the Denver Post quotes:

"Our church does not require us to use prayer only," Van Vleck said. "Our church does not punish us for getting a bone set or receiving any kind of medical treatment. It's the individual's choice. Such treatment could be a temporary means, a step, that enables someone to take the next step to complete reliance on God."

I had no idea that everyone was an expert on how these different religions would choose to run a business or what they are even willing to push back to the supreme court about. I can't seem to locate the media attention around a Jehovah's Witness owned business who is also going  to the Supreme Court to fight against covering blood transfusions- which I ALSO didn't even know was an a-la-carte option in health coverage! Crazy. Knowing this now, I'll be sure to schedule my weekly blood transfusion since it's covered by insurance...for now.

I also saw this SomeeCard that was amended from the famous Birth Control: Not my Boss' Business signs that protesters held:

Mostly because I think the implication is one that says Hobby Lobby- who is apparently employing half of Facebook these days- is trying to regulate their use of birth control. Which they aren't. And I hate to point out the obvious, but when you go to work for a company- you accept their benefits package, PTO policies, employee hand books and any other conditions that they have because (in full contradiction to this slogan) IT IS THEIR BUSINESS and they can run it how they see fit. If you don't like it, you don't have to work there. I doubt Hobby Lobbys are the "food desert" of employment. If there's only one establishment to work in town, I doubt it's an arts and crafts store. I would probably think that their decision to go into market is based on the population base and would really never be the only place people could work. But people are working for them, probably in part because their starting pay is 190% of minimum wage. But you don't get to have it both ways- if you want to work for a great company who offers great pay, you get what comes with that company. If this polarizing birth control alternative coverage is THAT important to you, you are free to choose an employer who covers the plan, or go part time and enroll in Obamacare. I doubt any management in Hobby Lobby is checking to make sure you aren't taking any birth control. They are simply saying they don't want to cover these 4. And why shouldn't they be allowed to make that compromise?!

When I was in college, my parents didn't want me to work. And they provided me a monthly salary to live off of. I didn't like that it wasn't as much as I wanted and I didn't like that they got to weigh in on my activities, but as they explained, "If you are under our financial umbrella, we get to make the rules. If you don't want to be under those rules, you need to be under your own financial umbrella." So that's what I did- no way, man- I want to do what I want to do! So I got a job and started living how I wanted to live. This is exactly the case with Hobby Lobby. You want Plan B or an IUD? Pay for it. What the heck is so hard to understand about that?

I am most amused at the fact that people can't actually articulate what it is they are protesting. I think the funniest example of this was on this video from the madworld blog.

I realize that this is conservative, but it's a good example of why it's important to know what you are arguing before you do it. Same for the right- dear Lawd, let the woman talk so you can have a rational discussion that may force someone to think! Do you realize how dumb this makes you seem- even if you're right?

I think ultimately, I really wish both sides understood what they were opposing and how to do that in a logical way. I think part of the way to effectively get your point across is to at the very least LISTEN to what the other side is saying, and then counter it with your thoughts/possible support. Blindly yelling talking points...on either side...is asinine.

Trust me- I'm more than willing to have a calm and rational conversation about it and say, "You know what? I haven't thought about that from that point." Having said that, I don't want someone coming at me telling me that any thought is trash just because it comes from a certain news source. I don't do that when I look at debates- there can be valuable information from any source. Just know your stuff! Make rational points! It's not difficult.

Things I wasn't prepared for (this post contains baby related stuff)

Now see, I warned you and you clicked anyway- thus absolving me from any liability for your thoughts while reading this entry. It's 3 am and I'm 17 weeks pregnant and I'm wide awake after my routing mid-night bathroom trip. Usually, I can go back to sleep, but I can't tonight so I'm using the opportunity to hide under the covers and start a blog entry while Patrick snoozes away. Because this is my life now? Hiding the glow of my phone like a little refugee and knowing full well that I'm going to be exhausted tomorrow.

I've been thinking about all the crazy things you hear about in pregnancy and decided to write a blog (Emily style, of course) about my experience thus far. Some of these things I had a good background for, some of which I thought I'd be ready for and wasn't, and some that I swear I'd never heard before and want to document so other people don't feel as weird as I did. Some of you will be mildly entertained because you've been waiting for this, so...you're welcome.

I'm already through my first trimester, so I'm not really experiencing much of this anymore, and let me caveat that I have been extraordinarily lucky in the fact that I haven't had terrible morning sickness or hugged a toilet throughout my first trimester, so it's really the equivalent of #firstworldproblems over here... Let me also disclose that I know some women REALLY struggle to even get pregnant in the first place, and I am not meaning to minimize the experience. This post is really more for entertainment value than as a "statement" of any kind that is meant to generalize my thoughts on pregnancy, so cut me some slack.

Morning sickness
TOTAL misnomer for me. I wasn't sick, per se- but I was nauseated pretty much on cue every evening. This was mostly attributed to my not accommodating the whole "eat around the clock" thing that they tell you to do. This isn't a joke. You should probably do this. Before, I could sit at my desk all day and look up and it be 5PM and say to myself, "Well, shoot. I didn't eat anything all day. Oh well- I'm ok, not dying." Hahah- not so much during my first trimester. I was like Chris Farley in that SNL Gap Girls skit.

"LAY OFF ME, I'M STARVING!"

 If I didn't eat, I paid for it- in food aversions and nausea. After I'd pass a certain point of hunger, I was so indecisive about what I wanted to eat that I literally couldn't decide. Patrick was so sweet and brought home a bag of Whole Foods ready to eat options one night and I didn't just want the warm kale salad out of my face- I can't think about it to this day. It still makes me sick. Even now, I have a hard time planning meals (it is getting easier) because I can't think of things. ME! I can't think of food. And for a person who has a close, personal relationship with their inner fat kid, not being able to decide what sounded good and then having to choke stuff down so I didn't feel sick was a real bummer. Let's just say our practically Paleo diet took a nose dive in the last few weeks because I wanted everything that was bad for you. Cheese, carbs, fat...give it to me. I went on a work trip to Phoenix for 4 days and ate all the things. And I felt amazing. Then I came home and got sick.

Holy hooters, Batman
So I'm still not showing. If you didn't know I was pregnant- the only clue would be my circus sized chest. I'm sure there are women all over the world who get excited about pregnancy because their little B cups look fantastic when they get bigger. Congratulations, you tiny little freaks of nature. I bet you look adorable. When you start out with a huge chest, you end up feeling like that lady who crushes cans and watermelons with her boobs.

And for my next trick...

I have such empathy for  poor Jessica Simpson, and how the WWTDD blog relentlessly commented on how big her knockers got and how veiny they were. The struggle is real, people. There's nothing good about it. It's uncomfortable, makes clothing a daily struggle, and makes all your selfies look like you gained 30 lbs. I figured I'd see some changes, but nothing prepared me for what happened.

Speaking of...whose body is this?
I figured out why women used to have babies so young. It wasn't because of social norms...it was a biological instinct to not have to deal with being old AND being pregnant. You're not nearly as elastic as you were at 22 by 30. And you've been past the acne thing for years, so when your skin looks like a pubescent 14 yr old, it's frustrating. And what the heck is this weight gain about? If I'm going to gain no matter what I eat, pass the cookies, friend. I didn't think it was possible to feel this fat. I haven't bought anything new besides a maxi skirt, so I know that some of this is in my head, and some of it is just bloating because of this lovely (TMI) constipation thing that no one elaborates on. I feel like a sausage. I feel like I look like a sausage. And there's no damn bump for me to excuse it with! Just puffiness. I'm terrified to think about how I'm going to feel afterward. Maybe I'll take up running. Hahahaahahahaha....sorry, I just laughed so hard at myself for that suggestion. I'm waterlogged and still dehydrated. I'm fat, but not showing. Being pregnant blows. Being pregnant during swimsuit season is just downright depressing. Thanks for posting all your lake pics, friends. If you need me, I'll just be in the shade in my mu mu, hiding my cellulite, which is now on my arms. MY ARMS.

Exhaustion/laziness?
My sisters and friends have told me in the past that there is no tired like pregnant tired. I have to apologize to you all, because I really, truly thought you were just being lazy and resting on your pregnancy excuse- or were too stressed with other things. Nope. I'm a believer now. I would get so tired that one night I actually cried because I couldn't go to sleep. You know that feeling that you get when you're past tired and you have trouble going to sleep? That's where I was at. Crying. Because I was tired. I would get weird bursts of motivation and energy and tell myself, "Oh man...when I get home today, I'm going to go for a walk! YAY! Stay active!" Yeah, and then I got home...and all said motivation was gone. The only thing I was motivated to do was to crawl in my bed and go to sleep. I like to cook. I couldn't find the motivation to do that. I like to go places. Nope. Not that either. Now that I actually feel like a human again, I can appreciate that it was temporary, but for a while, I thought I might become one of those people that they find affixed to their couch.

I will neither confirm, nor deny that I may or may not have taken a 15 min nap at my desk. Drool and all.

Pregnancy brain is a real thing
Again, I'll apologize to my friends and family because I thought you were making this up too. No, no. It's real. If you know me, you know I have an uncanny memory. Whether it's 80s TV theme songs or the musical I was a mouse in when I was in 2nd grade, I have it on lock! I rarely forget details or space on things. Until now. It's like I have a brain cloud. Kudos to you if you recognize that reference. I would literally forget things I asked 2 seconds prior. At work. At home. With my friends. It's not that I wasn't aware- it's that I would totally forget almost immediately, or lose it in the vast fog that somehow has overtaken what used to be a very sharp mind. Thanks, baby! Now I'll never be a trivia champion! I really wanted this to not be real. I wanted to believe that people were blaming their mistakes on it just to do it. I've told the same story over and over to Patrick...or forgot plans that I made, or walked around with an item for 10 minutes trying to remember what I was doing with it. How is this possible? I'm mega-mind! WTF.

Brain cloud...brain cloud...you think they'd come up with something better than a brain cloud!

Paranoia is the cause of most google searches
Oh y'all. If you could see some of the things I Googled. Like I said above, the second I stopped "feeling" pregnant (AKA, no more sickness, etc.) I was convinced something was wrong. But I was also convinced I was carting around a dead baby. Apparently, this is not uncommon, and weird paranoia is something that most first time moms feel.

I totally am embarrassed of the things I've googled. And most of it is really dark. My first sono was just a little bean and between that and the YMCA sono (where the baby was flailing it's arms everywhere), I was convinced that I was going to have a Downs baby, a baby with no limbs, a miscarriage, and about a million other silly things. I still have paranoid thoughts, all the time. The one good thing about Googling this though, is that there are several baby community groups that debunk all the stupid fears. Unlike WebMD, the more you google crazy stuff, the more you are assured that you are not the only weirdo who asks these things.

People are really judgy pants
I am aware that growing a tiny human is a miracle. I am aware that a lot of women are very emotional about it. But a lot of women are emotional about rom-coms and puppies too. Look, it's not that I'm not excited about having a baby. It's just that most days, I feel more utilitarian than all warm and fuzzy about the process. I will probably not be one of those women who cries when I first feel the baby move. In fact, I'll probably grab Patrick and say...whoa dude...feel this. WEIRD! That's not to say that I'm not going to be excited to find out what I'm having or feel ready when it's time. I'm just not a blubbering mess about this "miracle of life" that I'm producing. No, in fact some days I'm like...DAMN YOU BABY- stop doing handstand push ups in there! That doesn't make me a monster. Maybe the hormones will make me all emotional later. But for now, just quit making me feel like a psychopath because I'm not swooning over things.
I am also not fussing over baby stuff or already picturing my baby shower. I don't even really like baby-themed things. The thought of a shower with characters or a nursery filled with baby Einstein colored crap everywhere makes me shudder. And when you TELL people this, they make you feel like you're dead inside. I am very well aware (thanks, Angela) that I will probably get a child who wants to drown their room in some cartoon character and it will be amazing payback for me. But so what if I'd rather envision the shopping spree I'm going to have to take to the Container Store to hide all the paraphernalia than the ruffles or footballs that are going to inevitably creep their way through my beautiful decor.

                     

If you can't see how the brightly colored mess would make my head pop off, then you just don't know me!

I'm a hair trigger of things I find annoying. From gender reveals to Pinterest suggestions on how to celebrate things, I'm almost entirely into function mode and can't be bothered with fluff. I would equate myself to a stroller right now. Sure, I'm carrying a baby. But I'm not oohing and ahhing. I'm functional. Where are the bins and compartments? 

Which brings me to....

Your poor baby daddy/partner

I always thought it was weird that nurses ask you if you have a supportive partner at home. I thought...well even if you didn't, you can do it. Pregnant women do it alone all the time. I realized that what they meant to say was, "Do you have a supportive partner at home? Someone who is contractually obligated to stay with your crazy ass when you start spouting off about how you feel like a heifer and will love you even when they are doing the dishes for the 10th time this week because they feel bad for how pathetic you look on the couch? No seriously...you're going to annoy the crap out of them...are you good? Here's a support number just in case. No it's not for you. It's for him." And while he's not contractually obligated yet, he's definitely been a trooper.

Patrick has been great. From day 1 when I was FREAKING OUT like an 18 yr old who just "ruined their life" to constantly tell him to not stare at my fat, he's been so patient and such a great help and support to me. And I'm not kidding when I say I throw a ton of crazy his way. I wish he blogged so he could tell you about how nuts I have been and the crazy scenarios I have asked him to plan for or hypothetical situations I've posed at him. Or the fact that I make him handle all the raw meat. So he's been doing a TON of cooking. Because I can't even think about it. I had some ground beef that we were going to prepare and when I put it into a bowl, I almost threw up. I can think about seeing the meat right now and gag a little. It's very intense! He's seen it, and God love him- he is always willing to help me cut chicken or handle the meats. He could just as easily tell me to quit being a baby and just do it. He's amazing. I wasn't thinking I would be this difficult, but I totally live up to that stereotype. Sorry, P.

I'm glad to be into my second trimester where I'm no longer in a weird state of feeling like a creature and not a person. I hear this is the golden sweet spot. With any luck...I'll feel like doing this:

                                 

Is this bitch planking? PLANKING? Ok, hold on, we have a badass on our hands.

How to have an amazing Key West vacation

So, as promised, I’m giving you a full “Emily” recap of my trip to Key West this weekend. Key West was absolutely amazing, and I’m SO blessed that I was able to go spend time with my favorite person in paradise. I hadn’t been on a vacation since 2010, so I have been counting down the days since July when P decided we should go to celebrate Labor Day and his b-day, which was on the 29th. That kid- he’s so sweet. He did SO much pre-planning (he’d been once before, though he rarely left Duval Street) to make sure we experienced everything we could while we were there. He even made me an itinerary, complete with dress code to help me pack. Swoon, ladies- he’s a keeper!


30-Aug 7:15pm Hotel Check-in Westin Key West Resort
30-Aug 8:45pm Dinner Lattitudes (Boat Dock Westin)

31-Aug 7:00am Breakfast Harpoon Harry's -832 Caroline Street
31-Aug 8:00am Dolphin Charter Tour (T) Wild About Dolphins
31-Aug 12:00am Dolphin Charter Tour (T) Lunch Provided
31-Aug 2:30pm Couples Massage (90 Minutes) Prana Spa
31-Aug 6:30pm Charter Sunset Cruise 201 Williams Street/Key West Historic Seaport

1-Sep 8:00am Breakfast La Creperie - 300 Petronia Street
1-Sep 9:00am Bike Tour (2.5 Hours) Key Lime Bike Tours - Corner of Simonton and Greene Street
1-Sep 1:15pm Lunch Paseo Restaurant - 1000 Eaton Street
1-Sep 3:15pm Key West Aquarium/Walkabout Tour Hemingway House Possible
1-Sep 7:30pm Dinner/Dessert Better than Sex

2-Sep 8:30am Breakfast Cuban Coffee Queen - 284 Margaret Street

I’m going to recap in the lazy way because...well...I’m lazy. That, and I realize your attention span is probably as short as mine and you don’t really need a dissertation of each day- but many of you were asking for recommendations on things to do, and I’ll share with you what I experienced and what I heard from locals/other travelers.

Day 1: Check in and dinner at Lattitudes

We stayed at the Westin Key West Resort, which is about as close to the ocean as you can get. We had a beautiful ocean view and my sweetie even had champagne and strawberries waiting for us when we got there. Our room faced the marina where the big cruise ships come to port, so on our last day, we got to see one up close. Those things are massive!

Westin Key West Resort

Pros: The Westin is, of course, really nice and as a guest you have access to purchase a day pass to the private beach at Sunset Key- which is where all the fancy pants people stay and live. (Seriously...how could anyone stomach a 6.5K HOA fee monthly?! Who are these people?!) We didn’t have a chance to go to the beach because we made some last minute changes to the plan, but we did pass it and it is very nice and would be a nice perk as a guest.

The location is great! You’re right next to Mallory Square- where you can catch the sunset and see all the street performers and vendors at night, next to the old customs house which is now a museum, next to the shipwreck museum and the Key West Aquarium, and walking distance to the Seaport and Duval street- which is the Bourbon Street of Key West.

Cons: If you are just looking for a place to lay your head, this is a bit pricey. However, on our bike tour, our guide Chris and the two girls we met from Miami said Albury Court Hotel was nice and affordable and we passed Lighthouse Court- which was right across from Hemmingway’s house and looked pretty dang cool. I may look into that for next time.

Lattitudes

Pros: Holy yumtastic fat kid food, Batman- this place was AMAZING. The ambiance is incredible- we sat outside under the torches in the most romantic vision ever. I was so impressed by everything- from the architecture of the building itself to the light up menu. Seriously, I totally geeked out. We didn’t make it for sunset, so we missed the gorgeous view of the sun setting over the Gulf of Mexico, but that didn’t matter at all. The food is phenomenal. I need to know where I can acquire a vat of jalapeno mango butter...I want to put it on everything. The cocktails were delicious too. We had prosciutto wrapped shrimp as an appetizer, and I had Parmesan crusted scallops over mushroom risotto. And a key lime martini. Yeah, clearly my diet went out the window as soon as we landed...no prob Bob it was WELL worth it.

Cons: You need a reservation, so plan ahead. Also, the ferry picks you up for your reservation, so be sure you arrive on time. And try not to die from shock when you get the bill. This is the adult version of YOLO, so just eat it!

Day 2: Dolphins and dreadlocks

We were supposed to get up and go to Harpoon Harry’s for breakfast, but man...morning came early. Side note: I didn’t sleep past 7 any day of my vacation. I’m pretty sure that’s a sign that I’m getting old. We forewent sleeping in to do all the things! So instead, we ordered room service (EEK, can we add the price of that to the “con” list, please?!) so that we could catch a cab over to the dolphin adventure.

Wild About Dolphins- Key West Harbor Marina

Pros: This is a really small tour group- I think their maximum is 8 passengers. Our guide, George, was an adorable Cuban man who was super chill and really knowledgeable. You meet at the harbor and jump in the boat, where they take you around and tell you all about the resident dolphin pod Key West is home to. We were avoiding some storm cells and did our snorkeling first, before we went in search of dolphins. Snorkeling was something I’d never done before, so it took me a minute to get acclimated to that. I kept holding my breath and clenching my teeth like a crazy lady. Once I finally relaxed I was able to start enjoying the swim. We saw lots of fish, a few sting rays (including one HUGE one under the sand) and a bunch of coral and sponges. It was a little overcast, so we were thankful that the water was really calm, because it helped our visibility. After the swim, we got back onto the boat to a snack of pitas, hummus, and veggies (thanks to George) and got underway to go in search of dolphins. We were lucky enough to see 2 dolphins breach and 2 came right up to the boat! Fun fact: dolphins turn off half their brain while they sleep and the other half remains on. Many of the dolphins we saw were actually sleeping. How friggin cool is that!? Although we didn’t take advantage of it, Wild about Dolphins offer a private day pass for our guests to the super exclusive club and bar. NO TIME! THERE’S NEVER ANY TIME!

Cons: It’s hard to predict wild dolphins, and I think I was expecting to see more than we actually saw. 20 out of 200 ain’t bad though!

Prana Spa- Couples Massage

All pros, no cons! Such a cute spa, kind of tucked away. I mean, when is a massage NOT great? On our way over to the spa, we passed a vendor for FURY sports who yelled, “10% off for Texans!” (Patrick was wearing a Rangers shirt). We found out he was originally from Ft. Worth, and he talked us into changing our plans to go to the Aquarium to a 4 hour catamaran, kayak, and snorkeling adventure. We had originally just wanted to go on the kayak eco-tour, but it was sold out. But we were excited just the same. Double win! Don’t just pass the booths- take a look! You might find an adventure you want to go on.

Sunset Cruise

Pros: While waiting at the harbor to board, we saw a water spout! Let me just say, that is pretty epic! I mean, seriously- what are the odds? The cruise included a buffet and booze, so it’s a pretty good deal. There was also a pretty cool steel drum player who gave us some...interesting renditions of theme songs, Michael Jackson, and even Led Zepplin.

Cons: This was a huge boat and a ton of people, so it felt really “tourist-y”. I’m also not a huge fan of a buffet line. It’s my inner snob, or maybe the fact that we had peaked at Lattitudes the night before. I don’t like crowds, and I really liked the small feel of the earlier dolphin tour. I’m spoiled, really.

Day 3: Tampon Commercial Activities day

I mean, truly- we were SO busy on day 3. Poor P was exhausted, but we got up at the crack of dawn again and headed over to Harpoon Harry’s for breakfast.

Harpoon Harry’s

Pros: Affordable, quick, and adorable environment.

Cons: It’s a bit of a walk from the resort, but it was close to where we were meeting for the bike tour

Key Lime Bike Tours

Pros: SO. MUCH. FUN. I was kind of skeptical about a bike tour, but I’m SO glad we did this. Once again, our group was really small- it was just us and 2 girls from Miami and Chris- our largely entertaining guide. Chris was nursing his hangover from Brewfest the day before and a night of karaoke, but he was ready to go. This guide is not really on a strict pace, so we were able to go a few blocks and then get an in depth history from Chris on the location we stopped at. He might have been making half of it up (kidding!), but I don’t even care. He was a great guide and this felt just like chillin’ with a local and getting a behind the scenes look at Key West. I learned a lot on the tour, and I had a great time. If we come back, I would likely rent a bike- that’s a great way to get around!

Cons: We had to rush off to get ready for our next adventure, but I would have liked to stay and hang with Chris and the girls as they went over to Kermit’s for a key lime pie slice. P and I got one later (dipped in chocolate on a stick...um, yeah that happened), but I really enjoyed the company. This is a 4 hour trip too, so if you are packing a ton of things in your day, you might skip this one.

Javacat Eco Tours

Pros: Again, this was an intimate group. The max is 6 out on the boat, so it feels so much less tourist-y. Our guide, John was a total hippie and he was cracking me up. People in Key West really live the “No shoes, no shirt, no problems” lifestyle. There’s a lot of semi-retired folks with ponytails and a completely laid-back style. John was no exception, and coincidentally...Patrick does a dead on impression now. We went out to the Gulf waters to kayak and snorkel. Kayaking was the best. We went along the mangroves and saw all the budding sea life. As soon as we got there, hippie John pulls up a horseshoe crab and lets us all hold it. Google that thing- it’s insane! We got to kayak inside the mangrove and see all the cool creatures inside the roots. It felt like I was in an episode of Planet Earth. I learned SO much, yet again. On the back half of the kayak trip, we even saw a bald eagle and a brown pelican- both of which were returning for fall. A bald. Eagle. ‘MERICA! We went snorkeling after this and John got in the water and pointed out a moray eel and a spiny lobster for us. I was much more comfortable snorkeling this time around and was able to enjoy the long stretch of just floating along. When we got back on the boat, John had made snacks for us- pineapple, curried chicken salad, pasta salad, cucumbers- all part of the tour.

Cons: I wish I had taken a camera so I could have documented this trip better. What the heck is wrong with me? Say it together...waterproof camera! ANNND go!This is a 4 hour trip, like the bikes- but like the bikes, it’s well worth it.

Dinner- Turtle Kraal’s

Pros: Chris (Key Lime) had told us this place had a good happy hour, so P and I stopped in for appetizers and drinks...even though we had just had snacks on the boat not long before. But c’mon...happy hour! I love mojitos and mojitos in Key West are DURRICIOUS! We each got 2 drinks, some pumpkin potato skins, ribs, 50 cent oysters, and conch fritters (fat kid alert!) all for less than we had paid for breakfast the day before at the resort. Plus, we got to watch our waiter troll a snotty table next to us. WINNING.

Cons: I ate like a super fat kid. Even though I knew we were going to Better Than Sex later that night. Fail.

Mallory Square

We stopped into Mallory Square to watch the sunset and see the street performers and vendors. Each performer has to audition for the city and draws straws to secure their place on the square. The vendors are all local and most hand-craft their items. The guy with no teeth who weaves the coconut baskets is super talented, albeit weird. The sunset was gorgeous as expected and the performers were great. I could have spent even more time here, but clearly- we had more to do. I mean, could we possibly cram any more into a single day?

Better Than Sex- A dessert bar

Pros: Red Velvet Cheesecake with cream cheese frosting, and strawberry ale in a chocolate rimmed glass. Yes, it is better than sex. I normally can’t taste what makes red velvet different, but this cheesecake had just the right hint of berry to make that distinction for me. Patrick had an apple cider in a caramel rimmed glass and a cookie nookie pie- which was a gooey warm chocolate chip cookie, chocolate pieces and pecans wrapped up in pie crust and served with a vanilla bean ice cream. It’s super dark in there, so we got light up menus again, and there were some risqué conversation starter questions at each table to help stimulate conversation.

Cons: Obviously, if you’re offended by dessert names like Tongue Bath Truffle or drinks like Matty’s Money Shot, then you should probably not go. But if you aren’t all uptight and prude and you want to eat a bunch of delectable goodies, make a reservation and go. Make a reservation! Urban Spoon it or Open Table. Do NOT show up without a reservation. We watched like 13 groups get told there was more than a 2 hour wait at 9:15. And they close at midnight. So plan ahead, and then go!

Day 4: Finally sleeping in

 

We didn’t get up and go to Cuban Coffee Queen in the morning like we said we were going to. We were beat by then! But definitely go to Cuban Coffee Queen (Chris’ (the Key Lime Bike guy) wife Michelle manages it). Get a photo op with the big Key West post card on the side of the building.

Other places I’ve heard are good and/or am putting on my bucket list of places to go:

Eateries
La Creperie- breakfast - is in the black bohemian neighborhood (which is super cool) and I want to eat all the things
Cuban Coffee Queen- breakfast – great photo op with post card
Blue Haven – breakfast- Kenny Chesney favorite/iconic
Seven Fish- Hear it’s delish!

Debauchery
Rick’s
Garden of Eden – apparent “clothing optional” bar on Duval
Sloppy Joe’s – every time we passed, this place was hoppin!
Irish Kevin’s

Adventure 
Kayak eco tour
Dry Tortugas (all day event- Ft. Jefferson)
Jet ski tour
Parasailing

I should have been a product tester.

Disclaimer: This post is probably only going to benefit my lady friends. Sorry dudes...just come back another time for a better post.


I LOOOOOVE trying new beauty products and supplements. I swear, if someone told me to slather duck semen on my face because it would make me glow- I'd probably try it. I can't help myself- I'm vain and I like experiments. So I'll occasionally run past a recommendation on the interwebs about something that is supposed to work and as long as it isn't too expensive I'll try it. It's actually a really fun little hobby. Expensive and potentially dangerous given the FDA's loose standards. But I'll tell you what- I have found some GEMS.

Which brings me to today's post. Product overviews by Emily Spinney. You're welcome.

Viviscal

What it's for: I think technically it is for women who are losing their hair, but I read somewhere that this will help your hair grow faster and thicker and since it is still not socially acceptable for a white girl to sport a weave, I decided to give it a go.
Cost: About $30 a month (if you can find a deal on Amazon)
Does it work?: HELL YEAH! I wish I had taken a before/after picture so you can see how much my hair has grown in just the past month. Not only that, but it feels thicker and is styling better. If you want to grow out your hair and you're impatient, try this. If the dudes are still reading, they have a male version of this. Better than Rogaine. Frealz.

Oil Cleanser (I use this one: http://www.etsy.com/listing/22547787/amazing-face-cleansing-oil-4-oz?ref=shop_home_active)

What it's for: So I read about oil cleansing as a way to clear up acne (you know, because I have so much) and make your skin more even. I have ridiculously dry skin, and my breakouts are stubborn and scar my face, so I figured I would try this and see if it worked. It's supposed to help clear your pores and soften fine lines, so you know I was immediately sold.
Cost: $12 (and this stuff lasts foreeeever)
Does it work?: Yes, but it's kind of a pain to get used to the regimen, and it takes about a month to see results. You essentially use it to take off your makeup and then use a piping hot towel to steam it off your face. For the first few uses, you're going to feel like your face is kind of oily, even though it isn't. Plus, I really never got used to the piping hot towel. Having said that, it does give your face a really pretty glow and it really does last a long time. Unintended benefit: washing off your makeup with olive oil helps your lashes grow.

Acne Free Severe Kit

What it's for: Well, that's pretty self explanitory right? This seems like a contradiction to the above product, but the oil cleansing takes a lot of getting used to and I wanted something to work immediately because I'm impatient.
Cost: $30
Does it work?: Yes- it burns a little if you have sensitive skin, but not only will this clear anything on your face up, but it will help fade sun spots and dark marks on your face. Con: it will totally bleach a spray tan off and your face will be an entirely different color than your body. Which can be good if you're going for that...

TruNature Liver Health Complex

What it's for: You'd be surprised at how important it is to have a fully functioning liver. Like, even if you THINK you have a functioning liver- you're probably underestimating what your weekends of vodka waters are doing to it. ANY time I drink I have a 2 day hangover. Seriously, it's miserable. Additionally, I always have chapped lips and after Web MDing myself into thinking I was dying, I read that it is a sign of a compromised liver. So I decided to try taking a supplement to help diffuse the effects of my alcoholism give my immune system a boost.
Cost: $20
Does it work?: This might be one of the best supplements I've ever taken. No more 2 day hangovers, no more chapped lips, increased energy, and it's practically like being on a cleanse. This totally works. Taking a pill twice a day (Man, I'm racking up the pills...) kind of makes me feel like an old lady, but it's worth it.



So there you have it. Random, I know- but I just thought I'd share these nuggets of amazing with you. On that note, if there's anything you want me to try, I'll TOTALLY try it!

The more boys I meet...

So I've moved on past the mourning stage and into the angry stage. I love the angry stage. It's very liberating. It's when you blast all your Beyonce and keep going over and over all the horrible qualities of the person you just got dumped by- thus making you feel invincible and powerful. I AM SASHA FIERCE! The angry stage is also a great place to pick up men. Men are attracted to your Sasha Fierce "can do" attitude. Now, you're no longer convinced you're going to die alone and be eaten by your 35 cats, but you also aren't ready to move on and date any of the schmucks you're getting asked out by. I mean, do they WANT to be chewed up and spit out? You couldn't possibly move on the way your ex is- that would just be too rational and easy (and the fact that you're stalking his FB page enough to know he is moving on is just more evidence that you're still the same bag of crazy you were two weeks ago), so you invent reasons to hate him and all men. Because hate is the only emotion that can mask sadness. It's fucking science.

The angry stage is where you belt Carrie Underwood's "The More Boys I Meet" and realize she is singing the very fabric of your dating life. HOW DOES SHE KNOW!? And you feel inspired to describe in detail all of the shortcomings of the opposite sex to anyone who'll listen. Don't be mad- during the "mourning phase" I did more than enough finger pointing to myself...I can have a little bash sesh. So without further adieu, let the airing of grievances commence.

Disclaimer: All similarities to actual life events/people are merely coincidental and may or may not be fully thought out. Anger's a hell of a drug.

The Blast From The Past
It's like this guy was WAITING for any sign that you were single again, only to conveniently call you to ask how you are the week after your breakup. Oh, yeah, I'm just supposed to believe that I randomly ran across your mind after a year and that it is completely innocent. The BFTP can be completely innocuous, or that predatory guy who has spidey senses for when you are vulnerable and wants to jump on any opportunity he can to benefit himself with your mourning phase. The latter piss me off more than the innocent ones. Because they can tell when your self esteem is in the toilet and under the guise of wanting to "be there for you" and next thing you know, you have another item to add to the list of regrets. Not having it.

The Friend
This is the guy who has been waiting in the wings to tell you how much he cares for you and is there if you need him. Then BAM- he tries to assault your face. DUDE- I need some time before I can even decide if I want to be with someone again, much less a friend who I'd hate to ruin a friendship with. That's a pretty big leap- from friendship to dating. Let's not compromise the fact that I like you, but I don't know if I "like you, like you" because you see an "in" to dating me. So essentially, not only do am I single, but now my support group is predatory. Thanks a lot Obama.

The Challenger
This fellow is only interested in one thing- winning! He can beat your issues, he can make you believe in men again...he wants to charm his way into your life. Dude- how many more red flags can I hold up until you back off?  Persistence is one thing, but now I'm just saying stuff to see how far I can take this and you still not back off. He's only asking you about your break up and guy wish list so that he can put it in his playbook of how to win you over. WOW! Just what I always wanted- a lemming!

I'm sure there are others, but I can't think of them right now. I'm just going to seethe in anger.

Side note: I'm writing a book. Why? I don't know- it's probably some sort of cathartic effort as I head into 30. I know I'm not the only woman who is still single, yet completely fabulous. I'm not hoping to self-help anyone. It's really more a way for me to get out all of the things that I want to share with everyone so that they don't feel like they are the only women in the world dealing with neurotic shit. Plus, I can't seem to keep up the blog, so let's just go big, right?

Whatever. Someone get me a punching bag.