I'm hard to love

I found myself acting crazy yesterday. Like SUPER crazy. I'm not even sure where this stuff comes from sometimes and when I realize I'm acting like a doofus I get really disgusted with myself. Let me just outline where this warped little mind goes...

Step 1: Activate Crazy

It started Monday night when the boof (yes, I'm stealing Beyonce's word for boyfriend...don't judge...just go with it) told me he met one of his neighbors because they kept running into each other all day. As soon as he said, "I ran into HER all day"...my mind went psycho. I imagine the absolute worst- some half-dressed Giselle look alike in tiny workout shorts playfully bantering with him...bing bang boom, he's going to leave me. I mean seriously. What. The. Hell. Is. Wrong. With. Me? I have to explain that I have the BEST man in my life. I don't really worry about him cheating on me or being dishonest. I really don't- except when the crazy is talking. I'm not sure if it comes from years of poor men choices, or deep set insecurity that drives me to think so mentally, but I can't even imagine how annoying that must be. Long aside short, I didn't say anything about it, but it was festering in my mind.

Step 2: Invent Transgression

Tuesday I decide that I'd really like to have a date night. You know, something completely normal that I will escalate into a full out assault on him... Looks something like this:

Me: Can we have a date night?

J: Sure! 

Me: Soon? When can we?

J: Why not Wednesday?

Me: Because you have to woooork, and you can never see me during the week...(seriously, folks- bringing out the cray cray in full force)

J: Fine, panda jerk- reneg on my offer...

Me: You can just take your neighbor you met! (Oh- there it is...that festering turd of a thought I'd been saving!)

J: And there it is... (You see, he's come to expect this level of insanity and insecurity from me).

Me: What?! Who me? (As if I don't know I'm certifiable.)

That was really the end of the discussion at that point. I deflected in some way and he was sweet and gracious and glazed over my psycho rantings. Meanwhile in my mind, I'm waiting for him to decide this so isn't worth it and break up with me. 

Later that night, I get the SWEETEST FB invite...

Step 3: Guilt/Remorse

I don't know how I managed to find someone who is willing to look past my psychotic outbursts, but this guy just melts me. I want to be better than I am, not only because he deserves it- but because I'm tired of being so fracking cray. 

Step 4: Fix it, Stupid

I am so hypercritical and insecure. I have GOT to do something about this or I'm going to end up alone with 17 cats. Stifle the crazy, ditch the insecurity, and enjoy the fact that I have a good, honest, decent person in my life who cares about me and wants to make me happy. 

I'm a lucky girl, even though I make it a complete 3 ring circus to navigate my ups and downs. I've never trusted anyone the way I trust him (geez, I might as well be doodling his name in my Lisa Frank notebook...) and I know he won't ever hurt me, so I need to let go of what has happened to me in the past and whatever crazy things I can invent in my head. 

My friend Marcus used to say, "Never out-crazy your hotness. Guys will date a crazy girl, as long as she is super hot." Well, I've been out-crazying my hotness since about 1996...and the older I get, the harder it's going to be to keep up with the cray...and there's really not enough Botox for that. Ergo, I need to dial back the crazy.

Try and stay out of your head...I have seen you invent the damndest things there...